Wot I did at the Hospital

Here is a picture of my Hedgehog - hope I haven't upset him . . the food I put down has not been touched since this picture!



Phew - it is good to be home . . . had my Endoscopy this afternoon - was meant to be this morning, but there were all sorts of holdups - so it was two and a half hours after I was booked in that I finally got to have the procedure. But whose complaining I had two and a half hours to sit and read . . .shame I was so berludy hungry and not to mention the lurking monster that fugging WANTED coffee and gave me a thumping head just in case I forgot. AND even after it was all over still no berludy coffee, or anything to eat for at least another hour . . .WHY . . . .cos I'd had a throat spray to numb everything . . .BERGER . . .So what did they do . . . .They put me in a waiting room with a man eating biscuits and drinking coffee . . . YES . . yes . . the man is still alive, although I did offer to mug him . . he didn't look impressed. Couldn't run away though he was in a wheel chair . . .no . . no I didn't put him in the wheel chair . . .sigh . . just have bad do you think I am without my coffee . . .Snarl.

So what was it like, the endoscopy that is . . Well actually not too bad in a, oh look there's a lovely brick wall I think I'll bang my head on it, sort of way. The staff were excellent . . . Well they were at the start, but by the time I went in for my tube down the throat it was lunchtime and the nurse pushing my bed to the theatre was actually scratching around to find people to go in with me. I really do believe it was because it was lunchtime and not because I had talked them all into submission, no I really really believe that. Certainly the nurse originally assigned to me was no-where to be seen. I still have TWO cannula bruises to prove she did exist.

Meanwhile back in the endoscopy theatre . . Quick chat with the consultant about symptoms, medication I am on blah blah . . then they laid me on my side and administered the sedative through the cannula . . . .big happy sigh . . . All going fuzzy . . . I remember the gum shield thingy to stop me biting through the scope - burger - chomping through that thing due to lack of caffeine would have been very satisfying . . .ah well. And the rest was a not unpleasant blur punctuated by the odd gag (apparently me) and a voice telling me to breathe through my nose . . .Why? . . I like gagging and then berlimey was that me burping (they fill your stomach with air to stretch it out, so that they can see with the camera) . . .apparently yes that was me burping (mmmm very proud) and then it was all over.

So I was wheeled back out and onto the ward . . .and eventually after vital signs tested . . .all good I am pleased to report . . . I was put into the waiting room where a mugging (see above) was not committed.

And the results . . . I have reddening of the stomach - but they don't know why . . . they took a biopsy . . .REALLY you did . . .I didn't feel a thing! Oh and I have a Hiatus Hernia . . . . mmmmmmm . . . but none of it is serious . . .tell that to the pain . . . so in two weeks time I have to go and see my Doctor who will then tell me what pills the consultant wants me to take . . . Ok . . . and let me know the results of the biopsy - which was mainly to see if I have Helibactor Pylori . . ok . . . .(yeah yeah I could google it and get the spelling right . . .but why would I want to?)!

Oh and the best bit I was sent home to rest and not do anything as the sedative might make me feel a bit woozy and forget things . . .puts up feet . . .happy sigh . . .reaches for the chocolates - and I can guarantee I won't remember who ate them!

As for there being no question marks in most, if not all of this blog - that is because I ran out of them and there is a national shortage!!!



Berlimey one thing I forgot to mention yesterday when I wrote this was that the person doing the endoscopy was a nurse who was being assessed . . the consultant was there with her. Today my throat is really sore - it hurts to talk and swallow and my chest feels as though Monday night's party was held on it . . . . .sigh . . . I had this procedure done a few years ago and last time don't remember any adverse effects at all . . . HS enjoying the peace . . . Harummmppphhhhh . . . I'm saving it ALL up . .

Mouth Biopsy Results

Good grief with everything that has been going on here would you believe something happened two weeks ago which was significant and I completely forgot to tell you all. Something I promised to share with you – cos you asked . .so just remember you asked . . .ok . . .sigh . . .

Remember my horrible mouth biopsy . . .well I went to see the oral Consultant and got the results . . .I DON'T have Sjögrens . . . that is the good news. The not so good news is that I still have no idea what is causing all the aching throughout my joints, plus my dry eyes and dry nose. The former I have had since the late 70's, the latter I am not sure how long I have had it - kind of crept up on me. Everything did appear to get better recently when I upped my Thyroxine (I have the Autoimmune Hashimoto's disease.) But in the last few days the aching is back again. So I have upped my thyroxine again - don't worry I know when I am taking too much. My Doctor trusts me to play around with my dosage - which I was told back in 1994 would need to be increased over the years as my thyroid died.

Would you believe I don't have an appointment yet to go back and see the Rheumatologist (spelling) and now I am still no further forward than I was last November . . .I think perhaps the next stage is to go and see an oncologist - see if the problem is linked to my Thyroid . . . not very hopeful though.

The aching can be very debilitating, but I do find it helps if I make myself go out for a brisk hours walk every morning after I have taken my Thyroxine (luckily my dogs encourage this - the walking that is - they aren't interested in the pills). I know when the aching is going to flare up because I start to feel tearful. My dry eyes disease also flares up and so do my stomach problems ie ulcer symptoms and irritable bowel symptoms.

Gawd I sound such a wreck . . .at least I don't get the migraines anymore and that is a HUGE relief.

I have so many symptoms that all seem to come together personally I would have thought that the Consultant's would have had some clue by now. Then again I think everything I have is similar to Sjogrens's and Hep C - neither of which I have, but which have been a red herring for the last year.

Going to have an Endoscopy on the 4th December to see what is going on in my stomach. Was dreading it - but the pain has been getting so bad now that would you believe I am looking forward to my endoscopy - note to self . . .get a life . . . I also have a breath test on the 19th November for the Helicobacter pylori bacteria - which means I can't take any of the acid reducing pills etc for a month.

Now apart from that I am feeling great . . . no not being flip - once I get myself moving in the morning and get my attitude adjusted each day I do feel ok . . . so onwards and upwards to ever better things.

Life gets in the way sometimes

Brief Apology

I just wanted to say a quick Hi and to apologise for not having had the chance to read anyone's Blogs. Obviously missed them all the week we were away. Then spent a week catching up on work and on the site itself, so no chance to read Blogs. Then of course a week ago events rather overtook us - and everything, but everything went out of the window. So next week I will have to spend time catching up on work . . .sigh . . and events are still ongoing.

Please bear with me - I will be reading Blogs again and will be writing my own.

I haven't even had a chance to Blog about my meeting with Crystal . . . who arrived in the middle of our turned upside down lives.

Crystal Jigsaw . . . if you haven't already met her is absolutely lovely. Utterly charming, warm, vivacious, caring and someone you can be proud to call a friend. Her husband although slightly quieter (mind you no chance to get a word in I suspect) was equally charming. Both have a wicked sense of humour . . thank goodness . . .I didn't shock them with my TWO fart machines . . . good grief and people actually think I am wise . .Shocked

The meal we had was carefully chosen not to cause the hazards endured during eating my club sandwich when I met Blossom. In the main we were successful, although the jaw breaking stuffing was a little crunchy. Plus the smoke alarm announcing lunch was a ready a tad deafening - otherwise it all went well.

It also turned out that the people who live next door to Wizzard are related to CJ's other half . . .now how spooky is that.

The only criticism I have our gorgeous Crystal (and she is gorgeous . . .pulls face) is that she is taller than me Ptooooeeeyyy - then again most people are . . . ankle biter me.

Jewels of Scotland

Top Picture Ben Lawers - the view from my garden - how lucky am I.
Second picture - frost in our sheep field . . .



Frosty, misty start this morning . . . .and now we have clear blue skys and warm sun.

Scotland gets a very bad press when it comes to the weather - apparently it rains here all the time

There is a saying - if you can see Ben Lawers then it is GOING to rain, but if you can't see Ben lawers then it IS raining.

We do get some extremes of weather up here - but good as well as spectacular.

HS is a WINNER . . . . .

Last night went with HS to Loxleys the printers - in Glasgow. They were hosting a roadshow of the PPQB (Professional Photographers Qualification Board) on behalf of the BIPP (British Institute of Professional Photographers of which HS is a member and has also recently become the Chairman of the Scottish Division) and also on behalf the MPA (Master of Professional Photographers) . . . Gawd are you all still with me . . . .

ANYWAY . . . the purpose of the get together was a presentation and workshop plus one to one advice from the judges, based on each photographer's collection of images on how to choose the right images to go from Licentiateship to the next level which is Associate ship within the BIPP and MPA. HS has the first level . . .he failed his Associateship Board in April of this year . . .he had good images at this board, but did not show enough uniform style . . .

Berludy good evening - met loads of photographers, good presentation - got to see plenty of Associate work - I came away inspired and I'm not even a member . . .yet! And food there was food . . . not the exploding club sandwich kind either . . . there were sandwiches sans cocktails sticks, but I avoided those . . although I managed to get grease all over my fingers from various nibbles . . .and drank too much coffee and nearly stabbed nine people with an over expressive wooden skewer - from which I'd proudly managed to eat chicken Satay without decorating the walls. And I only spilled my coffee a little bit and the MD of Loxleys forgave me.

AND the presenter, at the end, smiled and warmly shook my hand and forgave me for heckling him . . wasn't that nice . . .

BUT . . . AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT . . .

There was a prize of a camera for the best picture that the judges saw whilst looking at the potential candidates photographs for the Associate Board next April. AND YES . . HS WON . . . .I cried . . .much to everyone's delight and my acute embarrassment! What was worse I couldn't stop . . . .

I AM SO PROUD OF HS . . . he deserved the prize. One judge said 'excellent image - all I can say is that I wish I had taken it' . . WOW. So HS now has his work cut out as he has to come up with 19 more pictures that also have the WOW factor to pass his Associate Board in April 2008. He already has several other pictures in the running (approved by the judges last night) and planned shoots for producing more in the same style.

Below is the picture that won. Please note I meet all the models and scare the living daylights out of each one of them before letting HS and said model go out to do the shoot . . .snigger . . .

Diaries are for smoking . . .

SMOKING DIARIES for the past two weeks.

Ptooooooey . . . before we even start Milla and Fennie – don't you dare point those loaded comments at me . . . .

So have I been bad – of course I berludy well have . . .have I been good – yes that too.

The wrong end of the stick
it is there for the grabbing
And the bush to be beaten
And excuses for a stabbing

I can make up dozens of excuses for smoking. The slightest thing can cause me stress, if I choose, and off I go puffing again, with only a trace of guilt.

See fools rushing in
where not an Angel steps
is there looking in the leaping
But spontaneity in there yet

If I tell myself I can't smoke then I rebel against myself and indeed I rebel against anyone that tries to reinforce that . . .whether they are right, or wrong . .then again who is to judge.

Van Goghs lends an ear for music
Words in pictures a thousand times
Do you know who to follow now
Or is this for the blind

If I tell myself I can smoke and then the attraction goes up in smoke . . .but not completely. . . .sigh . . .

If your name be Thomas
Would you doubt me yet
Are my spots for counting
A leopard in the bet

So where does that leave me . . here of course.

Do I want to give up smoking . . yes . . eventually. So what am I doing about it. I am doing it my way. I have gone from 35 a week to a mere 5 . . now I think that is a massive improvement and the more I don't smoke the better I feel and the more aware I am of the instant effects when I do smoke and the less I want to smoke . . but I am not quite, not QUITE ready to stop yet . . .

There are many squares to see
But one I am not at
The smoke from this chimney
Still has lives of a cat

There was someone on this site . . .so sorry i can't remember who – who said that to give up they cut down to just Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and then eventually stopped. I can see that working for me.

So Granny look to your eggs
And to horses bearing gifts
Remove the cock that crows
And bulls here to Poo . . .(no I know it doesn't rhyme but I couldn't put what did.)

So I am not giving up on giving up . . I am doing it my way. Life is pretty good at the moment so the goal now is to only smoke on Saturday night before dinner – whilst watching X-Factor and enjoying a bottle of wine.


Stable door and bolted
but the horse never left
Brass tacks are everywhere
on the right side of bed.

So progress is is then . . .and I am doing it my way.

ww

Meeting Blossom Cottage

Yesterday Happy Snaper and I went to Edinburgh via Glasgow (HS had a quick Photo Shoot in Glasgow the morning . . .sigh . . ) and why did we go to Edinburgh . . . TO MEET BLOSSOMCOTTAGE that is why.

I couldn't believe how nervous I was. . . . yup that gibbering, twitching person in the car was me. It seemed to take forever to get from Glasgow to Edinburgh - not helped by HS and I having no idea where we were going once we reached Edinburgh – although we had got our Google map with us . . . Oh and the butterflies in my stomach were amazing . . Panic . . .lost . . .not going to get there in time . . It was fast approaching two O'clock . . . . . . berludy hell . . and then out of no-where there was a sign pointing to the hotel . . . berlimey . . . .and a multi story car park as well – double berlimey . . . and . . wow that was easy.

We parked the car in the multi-storey car park – bit cramped, but ok – parking is premium in Edinburgh and headed into the hotel to find our Blossom.

And then there she was, smiling from ear to ear rising up from the table in the hotel bar to meet us. Gibber and gibber gibber and giggle and . . . .twitch and hug and . . .sigh . . .

First impressions - wow what an attractive lady - cracking figure . . . wonderful smile . . . beautiful hair . . .sorry Blossom - I know this may embarrass you - but you really are gorgeous . . .I don't think any photo I have seen of you to date does you proper justice . . . I may never talk to you again . .quick sulk . . Oh but no uniform . . .I had mine on . . .smug . . . but Blossom did have a purple hair band in. HS also forgot his uniform . . SIGH . . .

So yes we all had a big hug and then we sat down and talked and talked and talked and then talked and talked some more and then more and more and more . . . . and went to the loo and then talked even more . . .after we came back from the loo that is – we went to the loo on our own too . . . all grown up now.

We had lunch. Then we had afternoon tea - twice and the time just romped by lickety split, or is that spit . .

Now is it me or have you ever noticed how eating gets in the way when there is so much to talk about and how food takes on a life of its own when you are meeting someone for the first time. My club sandwich wandered all over my plate, developed crunchy noisy bits and messy mayonnaisey bits and bits that seem to grow on the fork and flop everywhere and were to big to go into my mouth Other bits sort of zipped off the fork . . . good grief whilst yet more bits refused to go on the fork at all. . My sandwich seemed er . . .very stuck together at the start . . . . it took a while to work out it was held together with a skewer . . .but releasing the skewer meant the sandwich grew alarmingly in size and eshewed any pretence at staying on my plate . . . now should I eat with a knife and fork, or pick up each HUGE unruly quarter . . . bits dropping everywhere . . . crumbs, splodges of mayonnaise . . . good grief . . . should lunch really be this difficult . . . superstitious glances at Blossom and HS showed that they were coping fine and that YES it really was just me. Next time I am having chips . . just chips.

So what can I tell you about Blossom. Apart from the fact that she is a very striking lady she has a wonderful calm aura about her . . and she eats very tidily. Ah yes but don't be fooled by her air of calm for there is a seriously wicked twinkle in her eye and many a story to tell. We spent a lot of the time laughing.

I didn't feel awkward with Blossom. Nor did I feel the need to impress her – although of course I did want her to like me. I felt too that she was a calm confident person and was not out to impress me either – she didn't need to. The talk was an easy three way flow.

Blossom is very articulate and her stories riveting and hilarious. We talked about Marilyn – which many of you will remember from her blogs . . .We talked about out lives, photography, the site, you lot (in the best possible way of course) . . . more about our lives . . briefly where the site was going – which we feel is a 'wait and see thing' and then more about our lives. . . . I can't even begin to remember all the things we talked about actually . . . Right now I think I am still digesting my club sandwich . . . which I forgot to do yesterday because I was so busy talking and listening.

And then it was time to go – four hours had gone by and sadly we all had to be 'somewhere else' . . We all hugged and said goodbye . . .sniff . . sniff . . no . . no something in my eye . . .


Both HS and I had a brilliant day, a seriously brilliant day.

Blossom meeting you was very special. It always worried me that if we all started meeting each other from the Purplecoo site somehow we wouldn't live up to each others expectations . . . well to date that has clearly NOT been the case and I can add my own positive experience to the Purplecoo 'meets'.

So If any of you get the chance to meet Blossom – then go for it . . . she really is a lovely lovely person and if you are nervous like I was she will put you at your ease.

So thank you for a special day Blossom and I hope that we can meet up again soon.

My Homework from Blossom

Blossom's Homework

Paper carrier bags – OOOOooo love the feel of them and the crinkly, crackly sound they make and the smell of brown paper . . keep all my paper carriers and sneak of and rustle them now and again.

I don't ride, or haven't since I was in my late twenties . .but the sound of creaking saddle leather and the jingle of harness is a wonderful congruent - all is well - sound and the smell of horses is the same ,but in smell language.

I collect sea glass. If I am not crinkling carrier bags then I am moving my sea glass around in their glass bowl just to hear the sound as they touch together and move over each other and the smooth, dusty opaqueness beneath my fingers.

Paper . . . different types of writing paper, printing paper – both for writing and for photographic use. HS has an amazing paper that is linen and floppy . . . sigh . . wonderful just to touch it. All the different types of paper in the shops – hand made paper . . . sigh . . paper and boards in art shops.

The smells of some books when you open them and also the smell of some glossy illustrations. I have a very old book that I won for best handwriting when I was at junior school the smell and feel of that is so special.

I have many pens and the feel of my pens on the different paper is amazing.

Another and deeper love is propelling pencils and Ihave many different shapes and different sized leads. I also have a pad of yellow lined paper – to sit and write on that with my special pencil of the moment is sheer bliss. Faber-Castell are my current favourite – I have a very cheap self propelling pencil which I adore and also a thick leaded art pencil.

Walking in the snow. There are many different types of snow. I love crunching through all of them – although don't like wet snow so much and hate it when I leave slushy imprints as I walk I love the smell of the air when snow is on its way.

Years ago I have a Cockatoo the smell and feel of her feathers was like talc. I also had a Blue and Gold Mackaw. The smell and feel of his feather was also special but so very different from the Cockatoo. Hers was lucious and sweet, his were much more spicy.

Keyboards. Every keyboard is different. I am lucky that my laptop keyboard has 'the' touch. I can't resist nipping round all the different keyboards in PC world . . on a good day when I am allowed out :-)

Before I start writing with pens, pencils, or keyboards I have to cut or trim my finger nails – I feel so creative if they are short and so out of sorts if they are not.

Croissants and coffee on a Sunday morning – especially if I have a 'good' marmalade in. Currently have a honey and orange marmalade . . . wasn't sure at first . . . but it is growing on me . . . so I am off to have shower . . .


The picture is of my collection of sea glass, plus a few shells and stones I like.

Smoking Diaries

This diary is for the week starting Sunday 25th August.

Perhaps if I don't put up a picture and write very very small and sit really really still . . . no -one will notice me . . yep that will work. . . . sigh . .

Mmmmm last Sunday was ok and I was actually out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then again during the day Thursday and then out Thursday night. I have never smoked when I am out so the temptation has always been minimal.

As all of you on Purplecoo will know Wednesday evening was a tough evening on the site and tested us to the limit. Despite an emotional worrying evening I didn't smoke . . .um . . .cos there was no tobacco in the house.

I had another test on Thursday night . . . I went to the casting meeting of our next Panto and came out feeling really depressed. Health wise I have not been too good since last June with aching all over, dry eyes, dry nose and sometimes dry mouth - possibly Sjogren's, but not confirmed and the blood test are not coming back conclusive. I struggled through last year and did the Panto and the tour. I get bouts of remission with my aching, but they don't last long and I seem to be getting them less and less now. I felt depressed as I left the panto because I was aching all over and my energy was really low . . . .Plus we'd had our trials and tribulations within the drama club (then again what drama club doesn't) which have made their mark and a number of adults have left the club – although the juniors seem to have increased in number. Then add to all this the fact that normally we do have a few months rest from productions, but this year our last show was at the start of August . . and I personally felt I was just too tired and jaded to do the Panto. So as I drove home I was thinking to myself . . . I don't actually know if I can do this, want to do this. I love drama and I mean REALLY love drama. We live in a rather remote place and it has always been good to go out two evenings a week and meet friends and do something I feel so in tune with but . . . . . .So yes I came home and I smoked – several rolls ups. . . yes I know . . .really bad . . really weak . . really helped!

Friday I spent the day wondering what on earth to do. Then came a wonderful opportunity to re-write my children's novel . . .long story and worthy of a blog of its own – I will tell you more when I am a bit further down the road. . WOW . . . Talked it over with HS And yes . . .sigh, big decision to be made . . smoked a few more fags . . .and then decided I was NOT going to do the Panto this year – gut wrenching decision – but the right one and I am going to put all my efforts into working on my book. The only hiccup might be if I get the last minute place at Strathclyde Uni to do the Diploma in Person Centred Counselling – however term starts on the 17th September so that is looking more and more unlikely.

Then it was with tears in my eyes that I watched us all pull together on Saturday evening and show that we could get through the 'tough' times and do what we do best which is support each other. I was soooo proud of all of us.

Big big changes a foot then . . .I will still be working letting Cesspit Cottages and helping HS run his photography business, but I have finally allowed myself to take another peak at my creativity, something which I haven't done properly for years. It is fair to say that meeting you lot on CL and then continuing our journey on Purplecoo has gone along way to re-awakening my creative spirit and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for that.

Um . .anyway . . . I did then allow myself to smoke on Saturday and Sunday evening only a few – but smoking none the less.. Very very bad. However Monday is another week.

It is now Wednesday (5th September ) my nicotine patch is firmly back on and I haven't had a roll up since Sunday night.

So frankly rather a tumultuous and emotional week last week and no matter how many excuses I make I don't feel comfortable about my lapse. This time I AM beating myself up about it, because I feel it was a major lapse. However some big decision have been made and good ones and I think this will go a long way to helping me beat the nicotine . . . I mean if I ever 'make it' as a writer I don't want the picture on my book cover to look like Blossom's Fag Hag now do I?

Oh and one huge positive which kind of got swallowed up in last weeks events was the fact that HS and I bought the RAV 4 which I put up on Purplecoo yesterday. It is a light, zippy, wonderful car which I am, despite all the aching able to drive comfortably – so I now also have my independence back . . . .and as it is 4WD . . we will be able to get down our track when we get snowed in . . . um not sure the latter is a good thing – but at least it gives us the choice . . .

And here is my wonderful car – for those of you that didn't see it and an opportunity to take your mind off the fact that I gave in and smoked . . .

The Smoking diaries

This diary is for the week starting Sunday 19th August.

I was actually really pleased with myself that I had gone past Saturday night (18th August) and not smoked - Saturday night was my favourite smoking night . . . especially when X-Factor was/is on. HS and I would cook a special meal, open a bottle of wine and then smoked a couple of roll ups during the breaks in X-Factor . . . and no, in case anyone was wondering, they were NOT wacky Backy roll ups! It was our evening - our time. The evening is still our evening and still special, but minus the roll ups and yes I want to give up, but yes I enjoyed smoking.

The week gone by has been a trying week. It feels as though everywhere I turn there is negativity. Getting to the point where I am not sure if that is how it really is, or if it is me who is negative and seeing every situation in a negative light. Then again . . . the quiet peaceful life we have fought to get at Wester Lix is currently undergoing external turmoil which is very unsettling and has even got us thinking that if things don't resolve in a way that is acceptable to us then we may have to move.

I am struggling with whether or not I want to do Drama this year - the club has been through a great deal of emotional upheaval last year into this year and I am not sure if I want to go through it all again and have to watch people I really care about being hurt and getting upset.

I am also waiting to hear if I have got a last minute cancellation place on the person Centred Counselling Course at Strathclyde University. I definitely have a place next year . . . if I don't have the place then I will write the children's book I have planned out plus start on the re-write of one I have already written . . . so again not quite sure what I will be doing until 17th September . . . unsettling, but not negative.

Friday HS was exhibiting his pictures in the open evening of a the new gallery opening up in our village. Very exciting. HS and I went down the gallery just after lunch to hang some of the pictures and there, also exhibiting was the only person in the entire universe that I have ever fallen out with and refuse to speak too . . . fugger and buck . . .the bitch used to be my best friend. . . . And yes of course she was there for the opening evening and between you and me I was hoping that she would give me cause to deck her . . . I am not a violent person at all . . . but with this person I would happily make an exception. I did actually once go down to the village bent on punching her lights out . . . but I couldn't find her. Apart from that and the fact that I wanted to rip the hair from her head everytime I heard her voice the evening went well. HS had a lot of interest shown in his Lightbulb block and many compliments on his photography generally.

Ah then we drove home. Quiet uneventful drive . . . noticed there was a car behind us all the way. I didn't do more than 50 all the way . . .some six sense. I had only had onemouthful of wine all evening. All the lights on the car were working . . . you can see where this is going can't you?

We pulled into our track - which is half a mile from our house. The car that had followed us all the way from the village turned up the track after us and suddenly sprouted red and blue lights and whooped at us. HS had already clocked this particular species of car as we left the village . . . parked at the entrance to a side road next to the police car that is driven by Stoney Face . . . yes you guessed it . . . our new git on the block . . . so bearing that in mind . . .

After the night I had just had and having not had the pleasure of hitting the Bitch . . . I was ready for a fight . . . I got out the car - marched up to the police car and went . . 'WHAT' . . only louder.

Vehichle check . . madame . . .

Oh really.


Name and address . . .

Yeah like you don't know it already.


Is that your vehicle . .

. . sigh . .

And why EXACTLY are you stopping me?

We are spot checking vehicles in case there is a crime later and then we can contact you to see if you saw anything.

???????? Er I live at the end of this half mile track . .

And in case this car is involved in anything later . . . .

?????????? . . .I live at the end of this half mile track . . .what can possibly happen.

And just checking your car hasn't been stolen . . .

Sigh - you already know who I am . . .



Step up HS - asking for their details . . .

the two policmen suddenly had to be elsewhere.

BERLUDY HELL . . . what you are not even going to breathalyse me - you mean I don't get the pleasure of you trying to book me and then finding out you are wrong . . . berludy berludy hell. . . .fugger and buck – go on check my tyres go on . . . .sud it . . .

So we drove home very carefully I mean it IS half a mile down a country earth track and from what the police were saying ANYTHING could happen . . .

Got home walked in opened a bottle of red wine and smoked three fags straight off . . . . .





I didn't smoke all day yesterday and haven't smoked today . . . I've am still a non-smoker, but just one that is struggling a lot at the moment.


VERY IMPORTANT PS

Forgot to say that we did make a formal complaint against Stoney Face. We officially heard back in a letter that he had of course behaved in the correct manner. However from 'other' sources we have heard a very different story . . . .

Smoking Diaries

This will be brief . . . I haven't smoked at all . . .not one . . .not even last night . . . .

The Smoking Diaries

I have been deciding for a while now that I want to give up smoking - but know that I can't just stop - doesn't work for me like that. For me the method is this.

1) Decide I am going to give up.
2) Pick a date
3) Binge smoke up to that date
4) Stop

I smoked from the age of 15 up to 31. I stoped in 1986 because HS and I wanted to start a family. I used the stopping method above and it worked for me right up until about three years ago. Then life's stresses closed in and I turned to smoking again. I have stopped once since then for several months - stress got the better of me . . I started again . . . and now I am stopping. . . . again . . . sigh . . .

I chose my stopping date as Monday August 6th - Wildchild's 20th Birthday. I went to my Doctor and got a three week supply of meduim strength patches. I also bought enough rolling tobacco and papers to allow me to binge smoke right up to the 6th August 2012 . . . well you wouldn't have wanted me to run out now would you?

Monday 6th August. This was not a difficult day because I was away from home. Then again Wildchild and the parking ticket was a challenge. . . .

Tuesday 7th August. The patches were clearly working and again this was not a difficult day. Smug!

Wednesday 8th August. First Hurdle. Went out for lunch with a friend who smoked - but as she smokes ready rolled I was not too bothered. However I got home at about 5.00pm to discover no HS . . . I was on my own and I wanted a fag. I put up a help post on the site and was compltely bowled over by the support I received . . . the evening also turned into a chat and help session with Bodran asking for help too and also getting a huge response and then lots of chat over several posts.

Thursday 9th August. Having got over last night's hurdle this was another easy day. Smuggerty smug!

Friday 10th August. Uh oh - HS away on a photo shoot in Inverness from 2.00pm onwards and not coming back untill 11.00 pm ish. I had hoped to go with him, but the aching from the Sjogrens flare up was too bad and I would not have been able to walk around. Feeling a bit guilty about hogging the common room I put up a Fag Watch post . . . berludy hell - I got loads of support . . . Later I chatted to Wizzard on MSN and then read Harry Potter . . . I got through.

Saturday 11th August. Busy day. Saturday evening was always going to be difficult. HS and I used to sit with a bowl of 'special' crips - Walkers sensations . . .and have a glass or three of wine and a few roll ups and chat. One of me regualr mood busting moments.

CONFESSION . . . I had a roll up last night . . . just one . . . it was kind of ok, but no more. I had to go and brush my teeth afterwards because of the taste in my mouth and then have a shower because the smell of fags was following me around. My chest also felt instantly tight.

I am not sorry at all that I had one . . . so no beating myself up there. I may even have one next Saturday . . . if this is what I need to do to eventually give up completely then this is what I will do. My biggest concern was that I was letting everyone who had supported down. I do hope that none of you feel that I have. I don't want to lose your support . . . I WILL kick the habit . . . but may need to lapse now and again withouth judgement.

So thank you to everyone . . . it will be a whole week tomorrow and right now I have no craving at all . . . sticks 93 patches on . .

Westerwitch the Criminal . . . . does it AGAIN . . . .

Monday 6th August and Wiidchild's 20th Birthday . . . no longer a teenager . . . Now a responsible adult . . . .

And the day I chose to give up smoking. . . . .Had plenty of practice – now for the real thing.

We arrived at Wildchild's Flat around lunchtime. Next to her block is a walled in car park – actually really interesting old park surrounded by high old walls and buildings.

First thing we noticed was that the chain blocking the entrance to the car park was gone and instead there were notices everywhere . . . parking for permit holders ONLY . . . £85 fine for non permit holders. Mmmmm are you feeling edgy yet – are the warning bells starting . . . £85 berludy hell.

AH hah oh no not this time –THIS TIME Westerwitch IS going to be all legal AND proper like. Oh yes you don't get me twice . . . so complete with properly displayed permit HS and I parked the car and went up to see Wildchild. On the way up I clocked the traffic wardens car! He was illegally displaying a learner thingy – no learner in the car . . .not important.

Wildchild opened her presents– we bought her a camera – see picture above. Then off to lunch a short drive away – um – Kentucky Fried Chicken – Wildchild's choice. Next we saw Shrek 3 – in the cinema - not in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We enjoyed the film but not as good, we felt, as the first two. But we ate popcorn and stuffed chocolate and had a brilliant time.

Then back to flat and the car park and being all legal . . . country girl in the city and not breaking any laws – proud Westerwitch . . . if a little tetchy . . . no fags you see, but coping well!

We pottered around the flat – played with Wildchild's Rats – what amazing pets they are. We chatted, drank tea . . . normal stuff.

Wildchild went to put the rubbish out . . . came back and said . . ' Mum you're not going to like this, but you have got a parking ticket!'

“Oh hahahahaha, yeah right you have tried that one before . . .hahaha – you don't get me twice . . hahahaha. Yeah not falling for that!'

No Mum. Really you have!'

Not a trace of a smile on Wildchild's face.

'Feryucky Hell and Berger and . . . . . bar stewards and . . . . what the . . . and '. . .rushed down the stairs . . . . out to the car and berludy hell there is was a berludy ludy parking ticket . . . . on MY car . . . .

Fine for not displaying permit ,or whatever properly . . . . what WHAT – it was there THERE . . . aaarrrrrggggggg!!!!! Apparently a couple of weeks back the parking bar steward warden person had 'done' a friend of Wildchild's.

HAH HAH . . .WELL NOT ME . . . NOT THIS TIME . . . this time I was well and truly legal . . . wasn't I? Hah bitten off more than they can chew . . .no fags and HAH HAH – is that the berludy warden's car in the corner . . is it, IS IT . . . . ?

I rushed round the car park checking our permit against the others on various cars . . . yup all legal. Wildchild and HS kept saying just leave it – we can fight it later . . . and started to walk towards the flat.

HAH NOT ME. OH NO . . . Westerwitch has tobacco deprivation and has found someone to fight . . . . . breaks free from HS and Wildchild and advances with murderous purpose and quiet misleading smile on face towards the wardens' car . . . . Bar steward . . . . really gonna regret this . . .

To my complete surprise Wildchild and HS actually physically dragged me back . . . 'What! No . . WANNA FIGHT . . . . Noooooo . . leggo!'

'MUM look at the ticket . . . '

'Yup, looking at the ticket – my car – blah blah blah . . . hang on the date is a month earlier . . . and not for this car park . . . and . . . .anddddd . . . .berludy hell!'

HS and Wildchild in absolute fits – hurrying me into the flat . . . didn't want this bar steward warden to see fake parking ticket, cos it might get Wildchild's traffic warden friend into trouble . . . yes the bar steward that supplied her with the ticket A MONTH AGO!

Snap shots . . . walking into the room and Wildchild and HS going quiet. Pointed conversations about the warden. Lots of looking out of the window and comments on the warden . . . .and more . . . . I'D BEEN WELL AND TRULY SET UP AND HAD.

I had trained Wildchild too well. . . . although she did admit she'd had to keep turning away to hide her smiles . . . but the face she presented me was very well composed . . . so the gauntlet is down . . . . thinking cap on . . .

Lynne and Alfie

Picture of my JRT - Lynne and Alfie adore him and he adores them.

Lynne and Alfie

Last week I received a call from my special friend Lynne . . .sadly it was to tell me that Alfie, Lynne's husband, is in hospital and is dying of cancer. He has weeks at best to live and at worst possibly only days. I would like to add that Alfie does not know that he only has a short time left - only that he is dying - so if anyone reading this discovers that they know him and Lynne - please please don't say anything.

But I don't think they would thank me for dwelling on this awful news so instead I would like to tell you about Lynne and Alfie and the fun we had together.

To set the scene – I have sent them a new improved fart machine with 15 farts on it - brilliant have got one myself now . . . . was going to send a card and flowers . . . but knowing Lynne and Alfie a fart machine is much more appropriate. I gather Alfie (now home from hospital) is creating havoc with it.

HS and I met Lynne and Alfie in the Village years ago – sadly they have now moved along way South and we rarely see them. We quickly became friends. In the old days HS was away all week working in London and I was left coping with three cottages to let and clean and over a period of time re-decorate. Enter Lynne and Alfie with mops, buckets, paint pads and great big grins. I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done without their energetic and practical help and enormous sense of fun. Actually thinking back it was amazing really that we ever got any work done at all – we seemed to spend most of our time doubled up with laugher. Alfie has a huge repertoire of jokes and a day decorating with him and Lynne always left me aching with laughing too much.

Alfie is a very good mimic and the number of times I have been scuttling around looking for a lost cat is untrue. He got me every berludy time and every time I really should have known better.

On one occasion (whilst Alfie was downstairs painting the dining room), son, daughter and Lynne and I tied several poles together and then leaning out of the upstairs bedroom window we kept tapping on the dining room window. We had poor Alfie rushing outside every couple of minutes to see who, or what it was. . . Eventually he caught us which then involved much running around with spray bottles of water and water pistols trying to soak each other. Alfie then ran into the downstairs toilet and locked himself in. AH HAH . . The kids and I went and got an old wardrobe door with a full length mirror in it and propped it up a few feet back from the toilet door – the idea being that Alfie would get a fright when he opened the door . . . . We than made lots of 'we are walking away' noises. Two minutes went by, no Alfie, 5 minutes, 7 and then BOOOOO. He had somehow climbed out of the really tiny toilet window and crept round and jumped out at us. We were all crying with laughter until we discovered that Alfie couldn't actually climb back through the toilet window and now neither could we get into the toilet , which was where all the paint was kept. . . . so we went and had a cup of tea . . . . Meanwhile son – not one to be beaten and not a tea drinker either had somehow managed to wriggle back in through the toilet window and unlocked the door – happily apart from a few scrapes he didn't hurt himself. Then again he didn't hurt himself when he jumped out of his bedroom window to see what it was like. Aaaaarrrrgggggg it is on the first floor!!!!!!!!! WHY????? Oh blood runs cold now even thinking about it. Still he found out what it was like and amazingly didn't hurt himself at all . . . and after the lecture he got hasn't done anything that stupid since . . . that I know of. Any way I digress . . .

One morning Lynne brought me my first ever egg from my chickens – special moment . . . I was amazed at how soft and fuzzy feeling the egg was – Lynne explained that was how it was with the first egg that a chicken ever lays. Then gently taking the egg from me . . . . she suddenly threw it at me yelling quick catch – I missed . . it was a rubber egg . . . . which I still have . . . .

Another time HS and I had to go and deliver something to Lynne and Alfie 's house – they were out, so we decided to leave it in their shed . . . . . golden opportunity . . . .we turned every item in their shed up side down . . . . . they still haven't forgiven us . . . . yeah right!

Another occasion saw us all painting the lounge. Lynne and Alfie schooshing away with their paint pads and me with my roller . . . I had gone to to pour more paint into the roller tray and was leaning forward when my mobile phone fell out of my scruffy very non-Boden shirt pocket and plopped neatly into the middle of the paint tray and with much gloopy satisfaction . . . . sank. I plunged my hand right into the paint tray and grabbed my paint sodden phone . . . . Lynne says she remembers me standing there covered from head to toe in paint splatters holding up this object with paint sliding off it – shaking with laughter and pleading – 'OMG please don't ring, please don't ring,. . . . . because we all knew that, as a compulsive mobile phone user, I would have had to have answered it if it had indeed rung. . . . . .

Lynne says it is this image that she brings to mind when it all gets to much and it is this image that is helping her through . . . . .Lynne I don't know what to say . . .

5 Mood Busters.

Oh well I have put it off long enough . . . so here are my five mood busters

1) I love the snow and I mean really LOVE the snow. I feel so amazingly happy when it is snowing. I have never really been able to explain it - but it brings about a feeling of congruence.

2) Now please don't all throw things . . . .but if I am feeling down I get a real lift from cleaning my house . . . ducks . . and ducks . . and ducks . . and SPLAT. If my house is clean and tidy and organised it produces a wonderful feeling of calm within myself.

3) Messing about with my plants - indoor plants mostly although I have quite a few outddor pots. Every year I put off re-potting and the weather this year has helped my avoid potting no end. But once I get stuck into it I LOVE doing it and again there is that feeling of congruence.

4) Sitting and having a chat with HS over a coffee and chocolate whilst enjoying a few rolls ups, or in the evening having a chat with HS over a glass of wine with some 'posh' crips and a few roll ups. We have decided to stop smoking in the week though and just keep it to Friday and Saturday nights . . . . mutter . . . . Oh and cooking and eating Sunday lunch in the Winter with the family.

5) Sitting writing by the fire on cold winter's days . . .with loads of coffee and chocolate and roll ups - but there will be less of the roll ups.

There you are that is my five.

Westerwitch the Criminal . . . .

Picture of my soothing fish - to calm you before you read my blog!!

And so Westerwitch had a very bad day on Friday. And yes I started a paragraph with And – which I am delighted to say breaks the rules and if you choose to read on you will see why I got so much pleasure of of it . . . breaking the rules!

Actually Thursday wasn't a brilliant day either – what with bin bags bursting in the car on the way down the track to the bin. Had to spend ages cleaning up Bin Goo from the back of my car. Then went to put the shopping away and discovered the mice had been in the Pantry . . . so lots of cleaning. Then dropped a bottle of bleach which promptly cracked . . loads more mopping up. Then because of all the cleaning I managed to completely miss meeting on of Lixtroll's friends who had popped in from Amsterdam to visit for a few hours and to top it all off I broke a lovely tall glass vase when it slipped out of my hand into the sink . . . so that, in short, was Thursday.

Friday started out so well. I went over to see Humpty and Lixtroll which was lovely and saw Lixtroll's Mum and Dad and Gran – who have adopted me – so I was having a wonderful, warm, kinda fuzzy day. I did all my housework – so was also feeling righteous. Then I went to the village to collect some bits and pieces and decided at the last minute to pop into the Co-op. There was no-where to park – usual state of affairs during the tourist season so I parked on double yellows, all us locals do – making sure I wasn't blocking the exit there and nipped into the Co-op. Met some friends in the Co-op chatted – day still going really well.

With the shopping finished I went out to my car – put the shopping in the passenger side of the car and my day fell apart.

One of the great big ANIMAL type four wheel drive police cars came out of the police station car park – a whole 20 yards up the road from where I was . . . and DROVE, yes DROVE down to where I was – did a spectacular U turn in the middle of the High Street and came and parked close up behind me with his bumper sticking out into traffic!!!!!!

I turned round smiling expecting to see one of the policemen I knew and met this stone faced bully – not a 'local' policeman I had met before. Stoneface then proceeded to make a great show of asking why I was parked on double yellow lines. Yes an offence I know – but parking is difficult in our village and people park where they can. For the last eight years that I have lived in the village the police have 'allegedly' turned a blind eye to parking offences . . . which is not easy as most of the 'offending' parking takes place right outside the police station!!!

Anyway I explained to stoneface . . no place to park blah blah only popping in etc etc. Stone face ordered me to 'wait there.' Then he made a great big show of going and getting his parking ticket book from his car. Then he proceeded very very slowly to fill out the ticket. I have never actually been given ticket before – so assumed that because of the length of time he was taking that there must be a huge amount to fill out. There isn't – as I found out later. He was going for maximum embarrassment in making a very public show of humiliating me.

At one point I asked about the three cars on the other side of the road parked on the pavement – one of which was parked right outside the police station. I was told yes they were parked illegally, but I was parked more illegally (PARDON!) and anyway he had the wrong parking ticket book and no he wasn't going to do anything about them. It gets worse . . . a woman driver of one of the illegally parked cars actually walked over the road to ask stoneface a question . . . .did he say anything to he about her illegal parking . . no he did not. He stopped and talked to her for a while and then turned back to continue his slow and bullish humiliation of me. . . . . . . You know giving me a warning would have done . . . I am very law abiding and was – yes WAS very respectful of the police . . .

It used to be a standing joke in the village that many years ago a new keen police officer went round the village handing out parking tickets until he was told by his superior – we don't do that here in this village . . . . So what the berludy hell has changed and when . . . because clearly no-one has informed the community that there is now zero tolerance in Killin – oh yes apparently we have zero tolerance here . . it will be guns next. And if indeed the policy has changed how about warning people first. And what has happened to respect. Stoneface could do with going on a communication course – he behaved in an aggressive, overbearing and bullying manner which whilst fine for in the big Cities – is not fine for policing Village communities.

Happy Snaper was incensed when I told him what had happened – not the fact that I had got a ticket, but the pure victimisation of the manner in which it had been done. We actually went back to the village to say that we wanted to complain. Arrogant stoneface actually rolled his eyes at us . . . . good grief is this how he is going to treat the older generation of the Village.

I can honestly say I was very upset by the whole incident.

So we went home – had dinner – watch TV - usual stuff. HS went to bed early. I couldn't sleep . . . . so popped over to see Lixtroll cos I was still feeling upset. We talked. I was still drinking the same glass of wine I had been drinking all evening. Later I went home. Went upstairs and did my switch everything off routine . . decided to switch all the lights off so that I didn't disturb HS when I opened the bedroom door. Walked to the bedroom door – went to push it open and fell down the stairs . . . I hadn't walked along far enough. . . . . . . so not the best of days for Westerwitch.

Cor guess WOT – I got exploding lights and EVERYTHING when I hit the bottom of the stairs. I hurt my left shoulder neck and right leg . . . and got a bad case of the giggles . . . even now typing it out it makes me laugh . . . I think I will be stiff and sore for a few days – but will be ok . . . Westerwitches, even us serious criminal ones, obviously bounce!

Tunnels and lights

I thought I would do this particular Blog to cheer up any mother and indeed father . . . currently locked into the teenage battle.

Been there with both son and daughter. . . . thought it would never end – couldn't wait for either child to leave home – whilst dreading it at the same time . . .

Worked out that my teenagers, maybe all teenagers needed to hate me (well no, not all teenagers actually hate me personally – but hate their own home situation – then again maybe all teenagers do hate me, . . . I always avoid gangs of them when I am out – sure they are looking at me a bit funny, or is that just paranoia,) so yes all teenagers hate living at home in order to make it ok for them to leave and to become independent . . . blah blah you know what I mean . . . horribly over simplified, but you can see it all going on in front of you and understand why they are being so unreasonable horrible to their angelic parents.

I did wonder if I would ever get to be friends with my daughter ever ever again. At one point in our relationship just speaking without rowing was my goal. But she has left home now – been gone two years actually. I have managed to let go and guess what we get on really really well – she evens phone me for advice. Yes really and truly.

I am learning to let go of our son too, although still have little outbursts of have you done this and that now and again. Especially recently with signing of the contract of his new flat share – he avoids me on MSN – but I am getting better. I am proud of him though.

So here is a little tale of going to the cinema in Falkirk – a couple of weeks ago – the whole family meeting up to spend quality time together and . . . Phoaarrr - went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 . . . . . three hours of Captain Jack Sparrow . . . . phoaarrrr - oh and the film was berludy brilliant as well.

Unknown to me Wildchild - daughter of Happy Snaper and me - Westerwitch - had stolen my fart machine and remote control and hidden the fart machine in my shoulder bag . . . . she let the machine off just as we all got up to leave after the film (don't know how she managed to not let it off before – I wouldn't have been that patient) . . . . . . I was crying so much with laughter that I was completely helpless. Then when I could finally see through the tears the whole family had rushed on ahead of me - but the remote has quite a range, so it kept going off in my bag and I couldn't find it to turn it off. . . . which in turn doubled me up laughing all over again – much to the amazement of the other people leaving the cinema. I don't think we are actually banned from the cinema – just got a lot of disapproving looks.

Then we went for a meal in Pizza Hut and Wildchild and I let the fart machine off in Pizza hut toilets. Hoots of laughter. Don't think we are banned from there either . . .more disapproving looks though – good grief . .

Then much to our hysterical merriment as we prepared to go home we discovered that unlocking the car with the car beeper thingy and then starting the car also set the machine off. So we sat in the car park starting the car, turning off the engine and starting it again and howling with laughter the whole time - I very nearly had to let HS drive home I was laughing sooooo much. I don't think we are banned from the car park . . . . yes more looks . . .and some of them from teenagers – pah that'll 'learn' them to look at me funny! Ptooooeeeey.

Wildchild you are every bit as disreputable as your mother and I am so very proud of you. . . . . but also very very proud of both of us that we have now got such a good relationship. . . . . now about that grandchild . . . .


NB Left to right - Wildchild's Other half, Wildchild and our Son.

Something about nothing

This week is a very busy week at Cesspit Cottages - our daughter came to stay Mon - Weds. And for the next three days myself and HS will be out from the afternoon until late - 'doing' the last of our drama club play tour. After that I run out of excuses for not reading people's blogs and for not writing my own.

Meanwhile here is something I wrote a while back, but didn't get around to posting.

Gravity a disconnected rant

So why should gravity have all the fun. I suspect gravity and nature have to be of the male persuasion – despite the fact we wax lyrical about 'Mother' nature.

Lets take a nonsensical look at the complete absence of facts. Nature made women in such a way that gravity could laugh hysterically as things, over the years, drift inevitably downwards. Clearly nature and gravity are in the clothing business together as we end up buying items to lift and separate, others firm up appearances, or we simply accept defeat and buy big and baggy.

I suspect though there was a major design fault with periods . . .yes we women suffer . . .but with PMS hah . . .we more than get our own back on man.

And who the hell designed the lighting in changing rooms? I thought you shops wanted us to buy your clothes not rush gibbering and tearful from the your shops. Worse still are the hairdressers mirrors. Is this the hand of gravity and nature I see turned against us yet again. Is it their giggling I hear in the changing cubicle next door and is it they who are lurking, sniggering under the dryer hoods in the hairdressers.

Winter is always the kinder of the seasons we can hide in sweaters and big and baggy thick, this and that, but even global warming is making the cover up harder now. But the summer, oh dear me the summer. Sunlight glinting off white legs and dappled orange peel, bat wings, turkey necks, spare tyres all rolled out for the summer months. And nature has clearly addled the younger female brain – as trouser bands dip lower and tops shrink ever-upwards – many of these deluded young things, in truth, look ok . . but oh dear so many don't and worse still appear to have no idea how absurdly awful they look!

As we wonderful women age over the years we do appear to wrinkle readily and need more and more ironing. Whereas men in turn simply grow rugged and more interesting. I ask you is that fair? The male animal can indulge in procreation all year round for evermore, whereas the female animal is doomed to spend a great deal of time getting fat and and playing ping pong with errant hormones.

I look at the young though and do I envy them their youth, oh good grief no. I love being who I am and the age I am and everything that goes with it. Oh yes, like everyone, I have my off times and bad hair days and wobbly scale months and, but I also have my many wonderful memories.

So gravity I poke my finger in your eye. With all the love and laughter I have had in my life so far, do your worst, it matters little. Nature I have golden memories brighter than any of your glorious summer days. So try what you will, my memories will never tarnish.

As for the changing room mirrors though – all you shops out there are you completely blind, do you never actually go into the cubicles yourselves. Supermarkets spend millions on lighting to make us feel good so that we shop and shop . . .why aren't you doing the same. Is it your sole purpose in life to make us women feel suicidal. Or is it some bizarre obligatory law that states that all lighting in all clothes shops absolutely every where combined with special designed mirrors must add at least ten pounds to all us poor unsuspecting women, crease and wrinkle everything dramatically whilst multiply cellulite by obscene amounts. Hah all you clothes shop type people I poke both my finger in your eyes too - big time -and say 'now get the finger out and doooo something about your dreadful berluddy lighting and mirrors, before we do something about you and make you go in these wretched cubicles yourselves.

East Kilbride

Oh dear it has been a long blogger's gap. So let me start by catching up and taking you back to the 11th May and our drama club competing in the East Kilbride One Act Play competition with John Godber's Happy Jack.

East Kilbride is the new town of Scotland – not totally unlike Harlow where I grew up . . .(yes, yes, I'm an ex-Essex girl – heard it all before). Um interesting place East Kilbride. Odd looking theatre. It ls ugly and squat and very 60's on the outside. Inside it is a wonderful confusing maze of corridors and rooms and stairs and dressing rooms and a two level bar and one level coffee room and of course a great big – want to act on it stage. I did have that pleasure last year. Smug witch. But maybe that is another blog. To Blog or not to blog . . . sorry!

Before the play we are allowed a half an hour technical to set up. And a very scary half an hour it was too. So much to organise with the lighting – very complicated lighting and vital to the play. Happy Snaper – playing lighting technician excelled himself – he had plenty of help from the resident lighting crew, but still a very daunting task. Then there was the sound – oh dear and yes there was the sound – operated by Westerwitch. I was shown the sound desk, the mini disk – and told there you are you work it out. AAAggghhhhh I used to operate sound desks when I worked in TV – but that was back in the 80's and the sound then was on the one inch VIDEO TAPE. Mini disks – Mini disks. Oh help. . . er . . gibber . . which way does the disk go in – red face – head hanging in shame.

And then all of a sudden there was a great big purple flash and I was in my element. I swished the faders up and down – I twiddled all the wonderful little dials and occasionally remembered to play the mini disk. – cauldron all the time bubbling merrily at my side. Opps sorry there go the smoke alarms again and oh my goodness what an efficient sprinkler system you have – cackle cackle. And yes Bill if you are new to this site and this is the first Blog you have ever read – run away very fast . . . . for this witch has unleashed her broomstick and knows how to fly . . . . .zoom . . . whoosh.. I played and played and set up levels for the whole show and wrote it all down in my best un-joined up squiggle and then played and cackled a bit more purely for the sheer joy of it all and then I was well and truly ready.

Nervous me – of course I berludy well was, knee trembling stomach gurgling, mouth full of sand, loud buzzing in my ears feking terrified kind of nervous. The time arrived. I took my place in the control booth, the curtains opened, the spotlight came up . . . and so did the sound . . . .whoop ferlippin whoop and we were off. . . I was flying again

The Actors – just two of them - out there on the stage depicting the life of Elizabeth – miners wife and Jack her husband – miner - from the point where they both died and then back in time through various events in their lives to arrive eventually at the beginning when Jack first asked 'Liz' out. A very demanding piece for both actors as they both have to play other characters as well as the main characters and move seamlessly in out of various scenes. And both Actors did us all really proud. So much so we got second place in the festival. And if you consider that the festival lasted from the Tuesday to the Saturday with two/three plays every night and all of a very high standard – second place was no mean achievement.

Each play was adjudicated by a single judge, Happy Jack received an excellent adjudication – with both Actors being nominated for best Actor.

So Happy Jack – Happy Cast – Happy Technical Crew, Happy Director and Happy prompt – the latter pretty much had the night off.

And Happy Blogging Witch. Cackle Cackle . . . . zooms off until next time.


NB The picture was taken during our Spring performance in our local village - not at East Kilbride. Picture by Happy Snaper.

A night to remember

Phwoar . . . and double phwoarrr and then a lot more phwoar!!!!!

Bryan Adams with a Y and not an i as I was happily typing before I went to the concert on Bank Holiday Monday. I was, I confess, not a huge fan of Mr Adams - was . . . that is. I love his music and we play his CD's a lot but still wasn't a massive fan. Kericky, then we went to Mr Adam's amazing concert – what a night to remember - now I am totally converted.

I hadn't really appreciated just what a rocker Mr Adams is and having never seen him in concert I had no idea how exciting he is as a performer. So much energy! So much Phwoar.

We had to wait a good while before he appeared on stage . . . tension building and all that, whiling away the time playing er . . I spy . . . whatever . . . and then . . . he and his band just appeared on a small and previously unnoticed stage right in the middle of the SECC audience (well unnoticed by me that is) and not on the stage at the far end as expected and Kerpow and Wow - did they rock us right onto our feet. A few numbers later – the last being just Mr Adams and his guitar – super impressive and very emotional – the whole band moved to the bigger stage and it just got better and better. They rocked and rocked and rolled and then took it down a notch and played the more smootchy stuff and then back to rocking again. And phwoar did he look good. Ooops sorry about the drool people in front . . . yeah I know – but you're drooling too!

What a showman Mr Adams turned out to be – he really knew just how to connect with the audience and how to keep us all on our feet. Well all except Mr and Mrs Boring in row three who seemed to have forgotten how to applaud . . . . and were clearly observing scowl at a concert goer day

We had been to the SECC before - saw Eddie Izzard there (brilliant he was too, but obviously different type of show), but most big music concerts are played at Hampdon Park – we saw U2 there and Robbie Williams. Not keen on Hampdon at all – despite the size and the opportunity for huge sets and special effects. Why? Because - the sound is feking awful. Big disadvantage at a music concert I would have thought. . . or maybe I am just being picky!

The SECC is a much smaller venue and although there were thousands of people there somehow it was intimate too and you could actually see the band as people and not gyrating dots on a distant stage.

Mr Adams had a very simple set with just a few lights – well you know loads of lights really, but not on a huge scale . . and the sound . . . was berludy excellent. It was a concert about music . . with a good dollop of phwoar – have I mentioned the phwoar!

Four encores we got – yes four . . . the very last one was again Mr Adams and his guitar – a bit unrehearsed – but the audience just would not go home. . . .

And Scottish audiences – well you have to be there to truly get the buzz. But the Scots really know how to Party with a huge capital P. Mr Robbie Williams said we were scary as we roared our approval over and over again . . . .U2 pronounced us the best audience ever and Mr Adams was clearly impressed with us too. I got chatting to a few 'out of town' folk after and they too were knocked out by the big braw Scottish reception.

And yes it really was a night to remember and last night, with Matron away and no neighbours, or guests for us to annoy, Happy Snaper and I put Bryan Adams on the sound system – turned up the volume and partied all over again . . . .whoop whoop.

PS sorry the pictures aren't up to much but Happy Snaper only had his Mobile phone to capture the event . . . .and a pretty old phone by today's standards . . .

Nerves and plays and stuff!

Oh dear my first blog since the site began – I do hope it isn't going to hurt and that I haven't forgotten how!

Friday 4th May 7.30 pm. I stood gibbering hopelessly on stage, waiting for the moment when I would have to creep out onto the stage all on my own – front of curtain, in a spotlight – to tell everyone that I was Squadwon leader Cwafowd (Cwafie does't sound his Rs) and that I was 28 years old (guaranteed)to get a laugh) and that I would be dead in ten minutes – um the play Stalag 69 is a comedy . . . honest.

Once again as I jittererd about waiting for my cue – I was confronted, and not for the first time, with the thought 'why the berludy hell do I do this to myself?'

Music started and I was off and Cwafie took over. And once again I knew why I put myself through it all. Why I spend Thursday and Sunday evenings in a cold hall – where you can see your breathe in the air – rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing. Why I spend hours – learning lines that will inevitably vanish as soon as the lights go up – lines that then somehow magically come out in mostly the right order. Why I turn out time and time again on wet damp and windy evenings instead of snuggling up by the fire. Why? Because I LOVE it that is why. I love the electric thrill of being on stage, the buzz, the adrenaline, the nerves, yes even the nerves, the thrill of the audience responding, crying, laughing and the satisfaction and relief and after show party when it is all over.

Stalag 69 by Michael Green is a play set in a Nazi Prison Cell during the 2nd World war. When the curtain opens it quickly becomes apparent that the 'stage crew' have put the scenery up – upside down (see picture one) – which creates absolute chaos – with poor old Cwafie twying to keep it all going. He has porridge tipped over him, he has to tie himself up and even shoot himself, because no one can enter the cell . . . the door is six foot up on the upside down flat. The play finishes and the director announces that because the play is an important piece of work – we are going to do it all again . . . and we do.

This time the set is the right way up. All goes okish – until Cwafie in his enthusiasm gets his arms stuck through the prison cell bars and pulls the whole lot out of the wall . . . . There is then a chain of events which leads to the walls of the prison collapsing and revealing the back stage crew and all their sound effect paraphernalia See picture 2). Cwafie then has to do the rest of the play with the bars stuck on his arms, whilst the back stage crew rush about doing their sound effects.

The play is fantastic fun to do – very physical, messy (the porridge) and occasionally painfull . . . ie on Friday Cwafie just didn't get out of the way in time and one of the 12foot scenery flats fell on him . . . . Berludy hell – that was NOT supposed to happen. Knocked old Cwafie to his knees – but he got up and carried on . . . complete Bar Steward that he is I wanted to make a fuss . . . . But whilst the curtains are open and the lights are up Cwafie is in charge!

Stalag 69 – only lasts 25 mins. The rest of the evening was filled with a mini play – written by one of our members and co directed by Westerwitch. Four comedy sketches and then the main play of the night Happy Jack by John Godber. The latter is a lovely play spanning the life and rough love of Elizabeth and Jack (a coal miner and his wife). It is a play filled with laughter and tears, potential violence and incredible tenderness. Every time I see it – and I have seen it quite a few times now – I get something new from it. I did the sound for Happy Jack. Happy Snaper did the lighting for the whole show!

So two performances under our belts – four more to go in four different Scottish locations. Plus Happy Jack being performed at the East Kilbride One Act Play Festival this coming Friday. So busy busy busy and plenty more nerves to battle with in the coming weeks.

Good grief – what a huge Blog – but I feel so much better for it. And as for Cwafie – he is back in his box until Friday week. 28 years old indeed and the stubble . . . . and he smokes a pipe . . .

The last moments

How to keep in touch with us all
Friday Apr 20 2007 12:35:17
By westerwitch


Hi to you all so that we can keep in touch try www.purplecoo.co.uk - Comp Lit husband has set it up as a half way house blog and chat site.

It is not advertising anything so hope I am allowed to say this. It is purely so that we don't loose site (heheh sight) of each other.

I am personally really sad that so many people are saying goodbye and hope this way we can stay together in one form or another.

Apologies if this out of order, but I have made so many good friends on the site and can't bear the thought of it all falling apart.

Maybe see you there - maybe not.

Thank you so much for such a wonderful time and lets blog on somehow.




Oh berlucks I've done it again.

Stand aside Ragrug - I'm Harkdorse . . . hic . . . .off to rehe . . .rhaer rheh . .drama now . . gic

byeeeeeee

Congratulations

Ohmigod – deranged marbles all over the place – I appear to ditto'd and posted whilst I was writing the rest – berludy hell.

I would like to offer my congratulations to the three shortlisted finalists. I suspect they may well be having mixed feelings after the reaction of the blogging community. But well done – you are what CL want – and may the best columnist win.

As for how we are all feeling about the results – I think Bill and Milla have said it all. I would give you my short list, but there are just too many to mention and I would not want to accidentally leave any one out. They might hunt me down and melt my laptop.

I have however gained far more than I could ever imagined by blogging on the CL site. I have found some wonderful friends. The support and camaraderie is incredible and just to really bung the cherry on the cake my own daughter has told me how she feels about me . . . . er we now communicate by blog – not sure what that says about us . . . . . but as she would say . . . whatever. And I am writing everyday . . . what more can I ask for . . .well loads . . but that's not the point.

So blog on . . . . and are we downhearted . . . of course we berludy well are . . . . but we'll soon get over that . . . . now got to rush off out again – blah blah and then rehearsals – blah blah – so I doubt I will get any commenting done today – Ok then . . . huge cheat here – this is my comment today on all my favourite blogs.

TO ALL OF YOU – reading your blogs makes my day . . . I think you are so amazing that the word to describe you hasn't been invented yet . . I am so proud to know you all. Thank you and see you all tomorrow.

Hey hey not on the shortlist – typo's . . poo who cares – grammer – thing of the past, wine chocolate and children all rock . . whoop whoop!

Reply to Wildchild

Well it is 2.00 am and I can't sleep – far too overwhelmed in a squelchy emmotional kind of way.

I have to write and post this now. Maybe then I will get some sleep – I need it -we are off out in the morning. Oh dear keyboard fizzing - bit soggy I guess.

And if you are wondering why, then please read what first time blogger Wildchild wrote about westerwitch last night.

And thank you Wildchild – for once and only this once ok - I am actually lost for words – but thank you, thank you, thank you. You have made my day, week, month, year . . . life . . it has all been worth it

My Mum the Westerwitch

To explain the blog below - this was posted by my daughter – Wildchild - on the other side - the night before the short list was announced. I am so very proud of what she wrote - red face at hopeless self indulgence - and I have posted this here for those of you that didn't get the chance to read it and would like to.

My daughter has never been one to express her emotions - but blogging allowed her to do this . . . .and hopefully Purplecoo will allow many others to also express how they feel and to share the ups and downs of their lives with all of us so that we can laugh and cry and support each other . . .



My Mum the Westerwitch

By Wildchild


Your probably wondering what the westerwitch is! Well the first thing to say is that she claims to have lost her marbles along time ago but in all honesty she never really had any. She’s an awful lot to take in so beware. 
The westerwitch is commonly found running around the highlands enjoying the Scottish weather. She is social although not necessarily socially acceptable, and can be found hanging around with lixtroll chasing girdly birds. It is easy to confuse westerwitch and the lixtroll as they are similar - pixie like in behaviour - but don’t be fooled. If you really, really, really must find her, you need to have a few tricks up yer sleeve. For example, a trail of wine, chocolate, yare dragons and a few U2 songs should work nicely. Should this fail then count yourself lucky. She is clever although her common sense is questionable. For example, telling the westerwitch that the word ‘gullible’ has recently been taken out of the dictionary and she will believe you every time. The parental skills of the westerwitch are a little odd! Although she is capable of parenthood, the resulting offspring may lack sanity. I’ve lived with the westerwitch my whole life, along with dogs, cats, parrots, ferrets, rats, hamster, snakes, chinchillas and of course…gold fish; and I’m now studying zoology as a result. She has a broomstick in the cupboard, a cauldron on the stove and an unmistakable cackle. 
You see, the westerwitch is my mother. She has ‘raised’ me and ‘loved’ me and ‘nurtured’ me into the person that I am. She’s done an ok job I guess since our mother-daughter relationship has been mostly practical jokes and the insults. Since I have been more than a foetus on this earth, we have been annoying each other and its not about to stop. But among the ‘I CANT WAIT TO LEAVE HOME’ and the ‘Great, I’ll help you pack’ we’ve managed to come out of it with a pretty healthy relationship. And to be honest, I’ll be chuffed if when I turn fifty something, I’m half the person she is (playing with artificial remote control fart machines). She’ll read this and get teary, but I shall deny it when she confronts me despite the evidence. 
So as I sit here stressing about the reproductive patterns of the cephalopod mollusc (it’s actually quite interesting), I wonder what its like to be normal. But then of course…who wants to be normal, right? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, the westerwitch ain’t a half bad mutha!

Cesspit Cottages

'Good evening Cesspit Cottages. Uh huh, you are looking at our web site now uh huh, how can I help you? Oh you are sorry for ringing up so late , of course I understand . . I mean I haven't got anything better to do . . . it is the only time you can ring, I see, after midnight – sorry I can't hear you is that your TV in the background. Its the police radio you have tuned into – oh I see. Mmm good.

'Yes when for? I see tomorrow, well today really. Er let me look. Yes you are in luck, we can do that. Oh hahahah yes we do take dogs, but we prefer if you pay with money. Hahahahaha. Hello, hello are you still there, oh you are. Um, what sort of dog have you got? Uh huh six vicious pit bull terriers, none of whom have ever been on leads. Oh yes sounds wonderful, no, no we love dogs, absolutely all dogs. Yes, yes of course we do advertise that we take dogs and no, no we . . er aren't even the tiniest pit bullist at all. Um will they be wearing muzzles? Hahahaha no of course not – hahhahah of course they are allergic to collars and muzzles, can't think how I didn't guess. Er are they likely to chase my chickens. Uh huh champion chicken killers mmmmm delightful, they can pull down a full grown deer, but they love sheep . . really . . oh that's nice . . . oh I see, but they couldn't eat a whole one . . hahahaha.' (Berludy hell). 'Price yes you want a price. Uh huh. So how many days, phew just the three nights. Well that will £xxx plus £xx for your dogs and that is at winter rates so a good discount for you. What, sorry what . . . Oh I see, what do you mean am I taking the p*ss. Er no that is the bare minimum we can let the cottage for and not go bust. Uh huh, you say you can get a cottage just down the road from us for how much? Well no I don't know how they can do that. No that was my best price. You want to go away and think about it and you need to contact the other members of your party. Er how many of you are there? Fifteen! Um the cottages only sleep four each . . .well it does actually say that on the web site . . You only want one cottage . . what . . oh but you thought with sleeping bags and stuff and your mates are coming up with their camper vans . . . . . and their dogs agggghhhhh. And and . . .Oh look . . er . . oh my gawd um a tornado . . yes that's right a great big fekking tornado, mmmmm yes er very big er thing and . . . .good grief it has just sucked up both our rental cottages . . mmmm yes both. .. . .well um my goodness . . . . .would you believe it? Sorry better go I have to . . er . . yes er switch off the gas, that's right and the water and and . . . .bye.' Gasp!
'Exploding Cesspit cottages – no S*d off it's after midnight and we are full. . . . .!'