Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Smoking Diaries

This diary is for the week starting Sunday 25th August.

Perhaps if I don't put up a picture and write very very small and sit really really still . . . no -one will notice me . . yep that will work. . . . sigh . .

Mmmmm last Sunday was ok and I was actually out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then again during the day Thursday and then out Thursday night. I have never smoked when I am out so the temptation has always been minimal.

As all of you on Purplecoo will know Wednesday evening was a tough evening on the site and tested us to the limit. Despite an emotional worrying evening I didn't smoke . . .um . . .cos there was no tobacco in the house.

I had another test on Thursday night . . . I went to the casting meeting of our next Panto and came out feeling really depressed. Health wise I have not been too good since last June with aching all over, dry eyes, dry nose and sometimes dry mouth - possibly Sjogren's, but not confirmed and the blood test are not coming back conclusive. I struggled through last year and did the Panto and the tour. I get bouts of remission with my aching, but they don't last long and I seem to be getting them less and less now. I felt depressed as I left the panto because I was aching all over and my energy was really low . . . .Plus we'd had our trials and tribulations within the drama club (then again what drama club doesn't) which have made their mark and a number of adults have left the club – although the juniors seem to have increased in number. Then add to all this the fact that normally we do have a few months rest from productions, but this year our last show was at the start of August . . and I personally felt I was just too tired and jaded to do the Panto. So as I drove home I was thinking to myself . . . I don't actually know if I can do this, want to do this. I love drama and I mean REALLY love drama. We live in a rather remote place and it has always been good to go out two evenings a week and meet friends and do something I feel so in tune with but . . . . . .So yes I came home and I smoked – several rolls ups. . . yes I know . . .really bad . . really weak . . really helped!

Friday I spent the day wondering what on earth to do. Then came a wonderful opportunity to re-write my children's novel . . .long story and worthy of a blog of its own – I will tell you more when I am a bit further down the road. . WOW . . . Talked it over with HS And yes . . .sigh, big decision to be made . . smoked a few more fags . . .and then decided I was NOT going to do the Panto this year – gut wrenching decision – but the right one and I am going to put all my efforts into working on my book. The only hiccup might be if I get the last minute place at Strathclyde Uni to do the Diploma in Person Centred Counselling – however term starts on the 17th September so that is looking more and more unlikely.

Then it was with tears in my eyes that I watched us all pull together on Saturday evening and show that we could get through the 'tough' times and do what we do best which is support each other. I was soooo proud of all of us.

Big big changes a foot then . . .I will still be working letting Cesspit Cottages and helping HS run his photography business, but I have finally allowed myself to take another peak at my creativity, something which I haven't done properly for years. It is fair to say that meeting you lot on CL and then continuing our journey on Purplecoo has gone along way to re-awakening my creative spirit and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for that.

Um . .anyway . . . I did then allow myself to smoke on Saturday and Sunday evening only a few – but smoking none the less.. Very very bad. However Monday is another week.

It is now Wednesday (5th September ) my nicotine patch is firmly back on and I haven't had a roll up since Sunday night.

So frankly rather a tumultuous and emotional week last week and no matter how many excuses I make I don't feel comfortable about my lapse. This time I AM beating myself up about it, because I feel it was a major lapse. However some big decision have been made and good ones and I think this will go a long way to helping me beat the nicotine . . . I mean if I ever 'make it' as a writer I don't want the picture on my book cover to look like Blossom's Fag Hag now do I?

Oh and one huge positive which kind of got swallowed up in last weeks events was the fact that HS and I bought the RAV 4 which I put up on Purplecoo yesterday. It is a light, zippy, wonderful car which I am, despite all the aching able to drive comfortably – so I now also have my independence back . . . .and as it is 4WD . . we will be able to get down our track when we get snowed in . . . um not sure the latter is a good thing – but at least it gives us the choice . . .

And here is my wonderful car – for those of you that didn't see it and an opportunity to take your mind off the fact that I gave in and smoked . . .


Wizzard said...

Well WW, I do understand why you felt like a smoke. But you have managed to resist the temptation again for 4 days, so that is very well done.
Love the car - cant wait to see it in the flesh.


Milla said...

Right then, WW, I feel that what we need here is a firm Taking In Hand and a Bossy Talking To. The headmistress meets her LEA Inspector... And you know that *I* know what I'm talking about. You have been a bad Westerwitch. As one in the same boat over many a foolish year, I know all the signs, all the tricks, all the cheats, all the denials. No one kids a kidder. There are no excuses (I've got a big temptation outing on Friday and am basically using this as geeing up for me as well as you, so forgive the bossiness...) and no wriggling out of it. You know that. You have decided to give up so you must give it more of a go. You must face up to what makes you cave in, something like this doesn't just "happen" it needs some sort of attention paid by, er, you! You must stop buying it, and keep away from those you scrounge from (my downfall, which is why I have eagerly opted to drive on Friday night knowing that white wine is a devil in the giving up stakes). I seriously wonder if the patches are a mistake? You need to mix more with people you just cannot smoke in front of (for me kids are the best and certain swathes of my friends, the mothers from school type rather than old reprobates like myself). Imagine someone who would be shocked to see you smoke, summon up that feeling you get when disappointed with yourself. Go to bed early. Keep brushing your teeth. Recall how your fingers smell when you've just stubbed out. Shove cash in a bottle. Anything but smoke!!! OK!!! OK? Good WW.

Suffolkmum said...

Oh my goodness, Milla has scared ME now and I don't even smoke! I was going to say sorry for all the stress you've been under, not surprising you succumbed, but I don't dare now! The children's book sounds interesting I know what you mean about this site unleashing creativity, I feel the same. Nice car by the way! (And listen to Auntie Milla!)

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to hear more about your childrens' book. I also write childrens stories but haven't had any published. I generally write them for the children at school then I read to them, it's a good way of testing the water - if the child falls asleep you know it might need a re-write!

But as for the smoking! I used to smoke - don't now, hate it actually. I know it's hard and it takes time but perseverance is a gift I am sure you have.

Take care, Crystal xx

toady said...

Well I forgive you your lapses dear WW because you didn't throw the towel in immediately and have gone for days again without a puff.
As they say never give up giving up and I hope to join you soon when a few things in my life get resolved. Love the car BTW. Toady

Withy Brook said...

That was a thorough ticking off, Headmistress! I hope you listened or else you'll be in the naughty corner, with the key to the drink cupboard in the Inspector's pocket!
I'm sure I would have given in if I had been in your position. Don't have the makings in the house.

You have made the right decision about the panto, by the sound of it. There comes a point when it is important to stop pushing your body so hard and trying to overcome the pain by so doing. Yes, you must keep busy - it hurts more if you sit about, thinking about it - you wouldn't know that having never done it of course!!!! We all look forward to your literary efforts in hard back as well as no here! LOL Rho

WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

Sorry Withy - Listened to what . . la la la la la la la . . oh is someone talking to me . . . .toot toot toot . . .lalalalalalalaal . . . .

Don't tell her but of course Milla is right . . . but I have to forgive myself in the end and allow my indescretions or I would just give up and go back to smoking and after the day I have had to day - that is very tempting . . .but another day under my belt and no fags so still hanging there.

Frances said...

I can see why last week led to lapses. Plural. That was last week. This is half way through this week. Please do listen to wise Milla.

The car looks like it would be fun to drive. Never let a cigarette in that car!

I am practicing some Milla speak!


Pondside said...

Well it WAS a difficult week and now it's passed. You've done very well again, and that's the main thing!
It sounds as though the decision you made re the drama (panto? is that a pantomime?)is the right one. Great that you are focussing on your creativity and giving yourself time and head space for it.
Good Luck! You can do it!

Milkmaid said...

Now i know why you put Milla in the naughty corner, you are doing berludy well i think, onwards and upwards

Mootia said...

oh dear...emotional turmoil is definitely not good for the 'give up smoking' effort. I tried for years with this tactic to give up, ie, sheer willpower, but failed miserably. The only thing that made me give up (I haven't smoked for 4 years and never will again) was reading Alan Carr's book - If you haven't tried it then it is worth a shot. Good luck with the re-write of the novel - go for it!

The Country Craft Angel said...

Do you know something dear WW I am just going to concentrate on the positives.
1 I think you are marvellous!
2 Everyone on this site thinks you are marvellous
3 I am glad you have reached the decision you have with the drama-YOU are most important and your emotional and physical well being.
4 I am DELIGHTED to hear about you rewrite of the kiddies book. And can't wait to hear all about it...
that will give you some focus, some direction and something to aim for.
5 I love the car-4 x 4's are so much better for aching limbs (and old farts like me!)
6 You didn't JUST start smoking are STILL BATTLING IT...and with all these positives one day you will get the better of it. So stop beating yourself up.
Your life will soon be so busy you won't have time to smoke!

warmest wishes

DJ Kirkby said...

Nice car. How wonderful to hear you are making your children's book all alive and vibrant again! Keep up the good work with not smoking, ignore the small trip into your nicotine staned rut and keep moving forward.