This diary is for the week starting Sunday 25th August.
Perhaps if I don't put up a picture and write very very small and sit really really still . . . no -one will notice me . . yep that will work. . . . sigh . .
Mmmmm last Sunday was ok and I was actually out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then again during the day Thursday and then out Thursday night. I have never smoked when I am out so the temptation has always been minimal.
As all of you on Purplecoo will know Wednesday evening was a tough evening on the site and tested us to the limit. Despite an emotional worrying evening I didn't smoke . . .um . . .cos there was no tobacco in the house.
I had another test on Thursday night . . . I went to the casting meeting of our next Panto and came out feeling really depressed. Health wise I have not been too good since last June with aching all over, dry eyes, dry nose and sometimes dry mouth - possibly Sjogren's, but not confirmed and the blood test are not coming back conclusive. I struggled through last year and did the Panto and the tour. I get bouts of remission with my aching, but they don't last long and I seem to be getting them less and less now. I felt depressed as I left the panto because I was aching all over and my energy was really low . . . .Plus we'd had our trials and tribulations within the drama club (then again what drama club doesn't) which have made their mark and a number of adults have left the club – although the juniors seem to have increased in number. Then add to all this the fact that normally we do have a few months rest from productions, but this year our last show was at the start of August . . and I personally felt I was just too tired and jaded to do the Panto. So as I drove home I was thinking to myself . . . I don't actually know if I can do this, want to do this. I love drama and I mean REALLY love drama. We live in a rather remote place and it has always been good to go out two evenings a week and meet friends and do something I feel so in tune with but . . . . . .So yes I came home and I smoked – several rolls ups. . . yes I know . . .really bad . . really weak . . really helped!
Friday I spent the day wondering what on earth to do. Then came a wonderful opportunity to re-write my children's novel . . .long story and worthy of a blog of its own – I will tell you more when I am a bit further down the road. . WOW . . . Talked it over with HS And yes . . .sigh, big decision to be made . . smoked a few more fags . . .and then decided I was NOT going to do the Panto this year – gut wrenching decision – but the right one and I am going to put all my efforts into working on my book. The only hiccup might be if I get the last minute place at Strathclyde Uni to do the Diploma in Person Centred Counselling – however term starts on the 17th September so that is looking more and more unlikely.
Then it was with tears in my eyes that I watched us all pull together on Saturday evening and show that we could get through the 'tough' times and do what we do best which is support each other. I was soooo proud of all of us.
Big big changes a foot then . . .I will still be working letting Cesspit Cottages and helping HS run his photography business, but I have finally allowed myself to take another peak at my creativity, something which I haven't done properly for years. It is fair to say that meeting you lot on CL and then continuing our journey on Purplecoo has gone along way to re-awakening my creative spirit and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for that.
Um . .anyway . . . I did then allow myself to smoke on Saturday and Sunday evening only a few – but smoking none the less.. Very very bad. However Monday is another week.
It is now Wednesday (5th September ) my nicotine patch is firmly back on and I haven't had a roll up since Sunday night.
So frankly rather a tumultuous and emotional week last week and no matter how many excuses I make I don't feel comfortable about my lapse. This time I AM beating myself up about it, because I feel it was a major lapse. However some big decision have been made and good ones and I think this will go a long way to helping me beat the nicotine . . . I mean if I ever 'make it' as a writer I don't want the picture on my book cover to look like Blossom's Fag Hag now do I?
Oh and one huge positive which kind of got swallowed up in last weeks events was the fact that HS and I bought the RAV 4 which I put up on Purplecoo yesterday. It is a light, zippy, wonderful car which I am, despite all the aching able to drive comfortably – so I now also have my independence back . . . .and as it is 4WD . . we will be able to get down our track when we get snowed in . . . um not sure the latter is a good thing – but at least it gives us the choice . . .
And here is my wonderful car – for those of you that didn't see it and an opportunity to take your mind off the fact that I gave in and smoked . . .