This diary is for the week starting Sunday 19th August.
I was actually really pleased with myself that I had gone past Saturday night (18th August) and not smoked - Saturday night was my favourite smoking night . . . especially when X-Factor was/is on. HS and I would cook a special meal, open a bottle of wine and then smoked a couple of roll ups during the breaks in X-Factor . . . and no, in case anyone was wondering, they were NOT wacky Backy roll ups! It was our evening - our time. The evening is still our evening and still special, but minus the roll ups and yes I want to give up, but yes I enjoyed smoking.
The week gone by has been a trying week. It feels as though everywhere I turn there is negativity. Getting to the point where I am not sure if that is how it really is, or if it is me who is negative and seeing every situation in a negative light. Then again . . . the quiet peaceful life we have fought to get at Wester Lix is currently undergoing external turmoil which is very unsettling and has even got us thinking that if things don't resolve in a way that is acceptable to us then we may have to move.
I am struggling with whether or not I want to do Drama this year - the club has been through a great deal of emotional upheaval last year into this year and I am not sure if I want to go through it all again and have to watch people I really care about being hurt and getting upset.
I am also waiting to hear if I have got a last minute cancellation place on the person Centred Counselling Course at Strathclyde University. I definitely have a place next year . . . if I don't have the place then I will write the children's book I have planned out plus start on the re-write of one I have already written . . . so again not quite sure what I will be doing until 17th September . . . unsettling, but not negative.
Friday HS was exhibiting his pictures in the open evening of a the new gallery opening up in our village. Very exciting. HS and I went down the gallery just after lunch to hang some of the pictures and there, also exhibiting was the only person in the entire universe that I have ever fallen out with and refuse to speak too . . . fugger and buck . . .the bitch used to be my best friend. . . . And yes of course she was there for the opening evening and between you and me I was hoping that she would give me cause to deck her . . . I am not a violent person at all . . . but with this person I would happily make an exception. I did actually once go down to the village bent on punching her lights out . . . but I couldn't find her. Apart from that and the fact that I wanted to rip the hair from her head everytime I heard her voice the evening went well. HS had a lot of interest shown in his Lightbulb block and many compliments on his photography generally.
Ah then we drove home. Quiet uneventful drive . . . noticed there was a car behind us all the way. I didn't do more than 50 all the way . . .some six sense. I had only had onemouthful of wine all evening. All the lights on the car were working . . . you can see where this is going can't you?
We pulled into our track - which is half a mile from our house. The car that had followed us all the way from the village turned up the track after us and suddenly sprouted red and blue lights and whooped at us. HS had already clocked this particular species of car as we left the village . . . parked at the entrance to a side road next to the police car that is driven by Stoney Face . . . yes you guessed it . . . our new git on the block . . . so bearing that in mind . . .
After the night I had just had and having not had the pleasure of hitting the Bitch . . . I was ready for a fight . . . I got out the car - marched up to the police car and went . . 'WHAT' . . only louder.
Vehichle check . . madame . . .
Oh really.
Name and address . . .
Yeah like you don't know it already.
Is that your vehicle . .
. . sigh . .
And why EXACTLY are you stopping me?
We are spot checking vehicles in case there is a crime later and then we can contact you to see if you saw anything.
???????? Er I live at the end of this half mile track . .
And in case this car is involved in anything later . . . .
?????????? . . .I live at the end of this half mile track . . .what can possibly happen.
And just checking your car hasn't been stolen . . .
Sigh - you already know who I am . . .
Step up HS - asking for their details . . .
the two policmen suddenly had to be elsewhere.
BERLUDY HELL . . . what you are not even going to breathalyse me - you mean I don't get the pleasure of you trying to book me and then finding out you are wrong . . . berludy berludy hell. . . .fugger and buck – go on check my tyres go on . . . .sud it . . .
So we drove home very carefully I mean it IS half a mile down a country earth track and from what the police were saying ANYTHING could happen . . .
Got home walked in opened a bottle of red wine and smoked three fags straight off . . . . .
I didn't smoke all day yesterday and haven't smoked today . . . I've am still a non-smoker, but just one that is struggling a lot at the moment.
VERY IMPORTANT PS
Forgot to say that we did make a formal complaint against Stoney Face. We officially heard back in a letter that he had of course behaved in the correct manner. However from 'other' sources we have heard a very different story . . . .
23 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself! It sounds as though you've had a terrible week and, all evidence to the contrary, you are human!
re your strong feeling concerning former good friend - it was a bit of a window into the Cape Breton Scottish temprament that I seem to have inheirited from my dad!
Quite - I echo Pondside. Giving up is full of the ebb and flow of it all. And you had endured horrible ex-friend (can we guess why she's ex..?) without succumbing to teeth and nails so really there's only so much perfection one can expect. Your resolve is good again but .. hope you enjoyed 'em! Need to ask, though, why is there tobacco in the house at all if HS has given up too? Remove temptation WW dear, then you don't have to rely on horrid old will power alone. And what a waste not to be breathalysed and prove 'em wrong. No wonder you succumbed.
You have an awful lot of challenges ahead and it doesn't help that you have a bobby breathing down your neck, tempting you with a roll up and a clenched fist! Good luck.
Crystal xx
I'm not quite sure what to say that could make anything better for you. It's probably just as well you weren't on the wacky baccy. Can you take solace in the fact you must live in a very low crime area, otherwise your friendly force would have something better to do.
Ebb and flow indeed. But that's only three in a week and you didn't have one yesterday or today, so you are now entitled to call yourself an occasional smoker. Don't beat yourself up about it. I think I would've smoked twenty in the circumstances and washed it down with a bottle of gin.
Hey GUESS WOT - and I'm still a vegetarian! Of the lapsed kind but never mind - Troll is back you struggling old non-smoker you, big hugs and xxxxxxxxxxx don't worry!
Of course you're a non-smoker.....anyone, even someone who had never lit up in her life, would have reached for the Marlboro after a week like that..... Ploody plods....why do they do it? I remember being followed for ages and stopped and when I asked why they said it was because they were having a bet as to whether I was Kate Bush (yes, this was a VERY long time ago). I got shirty and next thing I knew I was being asked to present my papers at the police station. Grrrrr.
Now, of course, we all want to know why and how you fell out with erstwhile best friend.... jxxxx
well after the week from hell by 6pm last night its a wonder you weren't just gobbling them down..never mind lighting them or relaxing with one!! Every day is another day forward...as for not going in for Drama ...why? i think this blog on its own would make an amazing sketch...The Headmistress and the Policeman....the Headmistress Bites Back.... Think I'll go now......quickly...
OH dear I think you may have the police force breathing down your neck for some time from personal exeperince they can be a very pety like little children and when God said "venegeance is mine" he obviously had not got around to inventing teh village copper who feels some one has got one over on him!! SO you have two options baseball bat dark night and a good alibi or turn it into a joke between you and HS, oh good we have a plice escort tonight so glad it makes one feel so much safer in these dark dnagerous times to know our friends in blue are here keeping such a close eye on our safety!! Now me I would go for the baseball bat but I suspect the second option is wiser.
As for smoking, my dearest oldest friend gave up smoking in her fifties, she died at 87 and still carried a packet of fags in her bag just in case, She said it made her feel as if she was in control and could have one if she wanted but chose not to. Me however, I am a have one fag and I will be on 20 a day. I gave up as the kids hate it, I still yearn for one occassioanlly, Jacko still smokes yucky rollups but I sit sniffing the air around smoker longing and I have not smoked for a very long time.Far better to have the occassional lapse and forgive yourself than be miserable about it.
On to negatively, at risk of invoking grandmere sucking eggs, we are all your jolly friends here, obviously mentally unbalanced but none the less rather fine friends, where else would yuo get cake icing corsets and a canadian ice hockey team at short notice I ask myself? . Not everyone will always like you, not everyone wil behave in a way you like but you can choose to say sod it so what or take it to heart and fret, As my Father in law would say "get over it". I teach our kids the box tehcnique, put whatever annoys you so much you feel you can not cope with it mentally in a box, padlock it, put it away and forget it . Down wth finished. The End. Some problems you need to put in a box in a trunk in a chest in a vault in a castle in a tower and concrete the door up. I have an ex friend like yours too, possibly for the same reason for all I know, and I have had to confine her into a large metal trunk and push her off a cliff (mentally of course) it has taken me years but it works most days. Have now smothered need to kill anyone who mentions her name or alludes to her which is a vast improvement. There is hope.
Well doen for surving a hard week be proud of yourself.
Oh, police like that make me furious, what a jobsworth.
Dont beat yourself up about it, just get rid of the temptation...cigarettes i mean.
Lovely hubby would sympathise with you he tried to help a girl in a road accident and ended up being arrested by the police because a drunk driver who he slowed down at the scene said he had hit his car with a torch and dmaaged his car!! it was a complete nightmare, he says he would never ever help the police again, and I ams sure he would have picked up a fag had there been one around and he has never smoked in his life.
Blossom
Good evening our dear westerwitch.
I agree with all the above, perhaps especially the words of UPL.
You are so terrific. The ending of the smoking is obviously well underway. Finish line appears when it appears. It will appear.
Maybe you could send one of the cakes that feature here most mornings to Stoney Face. Perhaps he craves your attention.
Thank you again very much for keeping all of us in hand, for creating this wonderful space, and ... somehow still finding the fime for all the rest that you do.
xo
I'm the last one to offer smoking advice but please don't beat yourself up over a couple of fags.
As for the the plods I'd start keeping a log if I were you, the spotty little nerk sounds like he needs bringing down a peg or two!
Toady
WW, after all that, I would have been reaching for the fags if I had any, and it hasn't been unknown for me to half a pack of baccy stashed away for emergencies. Sometimes the only thing to do is open the wine and have an ciggy or five.
'Fugger and Buck' (I like that) your life sounds like something out of a tv series! I hope you get to write your childrens books though that may not be exactly your first choice!
Sheesh! I 've just caught up with this sorry saga - now that I am a visitor free zone. What a really horrible time you've been having of it. Think UPL's advice was good - I'll be surrounded by boxes 'though.
I wonder if there's something in the ether at the moment? I have a lot on my mind and am also aware of lots of negativity about.
In your shoes I'd also have turned to the fags - except I haven't smoked since uni so I'd probably do three bottles of wine and one fag. Have a better one, dear WW.
Goodness! I go away for a couple of days and look what happens. Three!!!. Not that there weren't mitigating circumstances. And really sorry you were given such a torrid and upsetting time on top of everything else. So maybe Fennie will turn a blind eye on this occasion. Nevertheless, these things are sent to try us.
As it was a funny thing happened when I was away, in that I was offered a cigarillo after a dinner in France, sitting on the terrace, in the late evening, watching the river, the floodlit castle etc - but I felt I had to turn it down or I should never be able to mention not smoking again. Hoist by my own petard!
Well, that was quite a night. Can't blame you really, it's ok to have a sneaky one (or three) when the pressure's on. Keep up the good work!
Think I would have headed for the cigs after that night...and I don't even smoke. I did enjoy reading your account though, you capture the mood brilliantly...as for the 'ex' friend that would really have riled me too. Hope the exhibition goes well.
Grrrhh, why do these plods keep wasting people's time, it's enough for you to want to reach for the fag packet and bottle of the red stuff. Do hope whatever happens over the next coming months that all goes well in the way that you want it to. Frances has said it for me, and I second that. Thank you for everything that you have done for us darling girl, when you have many turmoils yourself to sort out. If you do decide to finish that Children's book it will be a winner, and I for one will be racing to the shops to buy it.
Camilla.xxx
How is the smoking going. I have added you Westerwitch - I like what you write.
I do actually love autumn, it is not the season that affects me it is the change, I don't understand it but I get very tired when seasons change. I think I am very sensitive according to a book I read.
I haven't had much in the way of run-ins with the police here, although my husband has. Mostly they stop people to make them just uncomfortable enough to soften them up to get some money from them. They threaten a confiscation or a ticket and then quietly tell you that you can avoid problems THIS TIME buy making a small donation to their personal lunch fund. Irritating at times, convenient at other times.
The children's book sounds fascinating. Can we hear more about that?
Good luck an loads of support with the stop smoking effort! My dad stopped after having smoked for 45 years...it CAN be done!
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