Thursday, 3 May 2007
'Good evening Cesspit Cottages. Uh huh, you are looking at our web site now uh huh, how can I help you? Oh you are sorry for ringing up so late , of course I understand . . I mean I haven't got anything better to do . . . it is the only time you can ring, I see, after midnight – sorry I can't hear you is that your TV in the background. Its the police radio you have tuned into – oh I see. Mmm good.
'Yes when for? I see tomorrow, well today really. Er let me look. Yes you are in luck, we can do that. Oh hahahah yes we do take dogs, but we prefer if you pay with money. Hahahahaha. Hello, hello are you still there, oh you are. Um, what sort of dog have you got? Uh huh six vicious pit bull terriers, none of whom have ever been on leads. Oh yes sounds wonderful, no, no we love dogs, absolutely all dogs. Yes, yes of course we do advertise that we take dogs and no, no we . . er aren't even the tiniest pit bullist at all. Um will they be wearing muzzles? Hahahaha no of course not – hahhahah of course they are allergic to collars and muzzles, can't think how I didn't guess. Er are they likely to chase my chickens. Uh huh champion chicken killers mmmmm delightful, they can pull down a full grown deer, but they love sheep . . really . . oh that's nice . . . oh I see, but they couldn't eat a whole one . . hahahaha.' (Berludy hell). 'Price yes you want a price. Uh huh. So how many days, phew just the three nights. Well that will £xxx plus £xx for your dogs and that is at winter rates so a good discount for you. What, sorry what . . . Oh I see, what do you mean am I taking the p*ss. Er no that is the bare minimum we can let the cottage for and not go bust. Uh huh, you say you can get a cottage just down the road from us for how much? Well no I don't know how they can do that. No that was my best price. You want to go away and think about it and you need to contact the other members of your party. Er how many of you are there? Fifteen! Um the cottages only sleep four each . . .well it does actually say that on the web site . . You only want one cottage . . what . . oh but you thought with sleeping bags and stuff and your mates are coming up with their camper vans . . . . . and their dogs agggghhhhh. And and . . .Oh look . . er . . oh my gawd um a tornado . . yes that's right a great big fekking tornado, mmmmm yes er very big er thing and . . . .good grief it has just sucked up both our rental cottages . . mmmm yes both. .. . .well um my goodness . . . . .would you believe it? Sorry better go I have to . . er . . yes er switch off the gas, that's right and the water and and . . . .bye.' Gasp!
'Exploding Cesspit cottages – no S*d off it's after midnight and we are full. . . . .!'