Thursday, 31 May 2007

Something about nothing

This week is a very busy week at Cesspit Cottages - our daughter came to stay Mon - Weds. And for the next three days myself and HS will be out from the afternoon until late - 'doing' the last of our drama club play tour. After that I run out of excuses for not reading people's blogs and for not writing my own.

Meanwhile here is something I wrote a while back, but didn't get around to posting.

Gravity a disconnected rant

So why should gravity have all the fun. I suspect gravity and nature have to be of the male persuasion – despite the fact we wax lyrical about 'Mother' nature.

Lets take a nonsensical look at the complete absence of facts. Nature made women in such a way that gravity could laugh hysterically as things, over the years, drift inevitably downwards. Clearly nature and gravity are in the clothing business together as we end up buying items to lift and separate, others firm up appearances, or we simply accept defeat and buy big and baggy.

I suspect though there was a major design fault with periods . . .yes we women suffer . . .but with PMS hah . . .we more than get our own back on man.

And who the hell designed the lighting in changing rooms? I thought you shops wanted us to buy your clothes not rush gibbering and tearful from the your shops. Worse still are the hairdressers mirrors. Is this the hand of gravity and nature I see turned against us yet again. Is it their giggling I hear in the changing cubicle next door and is it they who are lurking, sniggering under the dryer hoods in the hairdressers.

Winter is always the kinder of the seasons we can hide in sweaters and big and baggy thick, this and that, but even global warming is making the cover up harder now. But the summer, oh dear me the summer. Sunlight glinting off white legs and dappled orange peel, bat wings, turkey necks, spare tyres all rolled out for the summer months. And nature has clearly addled the younger female brain – as trouser bands dip lower and tops shrink ever-upwards – many of these deluded young things, in truth, look ok . . but oh dear so many don't and worse still appear to have no idea how absurdly awful they look!

As we wonderful women age over the years we do appear to wrinkle readily and need more and more ironing. Whereas men in turn simply grow rugged and more interesting. I ask you is that fair? The male animal can indulge in procreation all year round for evermore, whereas the female animal is doomed to spend a great deal of time getting fat and and playing ping pong with errant hormones.

I look at the young though and do I envy them their youth, oh good grief no. I love being who I am and the age I am and everything that goes with it. Oh yes, like everyone, I have my off times and bad hair days and wobbly scale months and, but I also have my many wonderful memories.

So gravity I poke my finger in your eye. With all the love and laughter I have had in my life so far, do your worst, it matters little. Nature I have golden memories brighter than any of your glorious summer days. So try what you will, my memories will never tarnish.

As for the changing room mirrors though – all you shops out there are you completely blind, do you never actually go into the cubicles yourselves. Supermarkets spend millions on lighting to make us feel good so that we shop and shop . . .why aren't you doing the same. Is it your sole purpose in life to make us women feel suicidal. Or is it some bizarre obligatory law that states that all lighting in all clothes shops absolutely every where combined with special designed mirrors must add at least ten pounds to all us poor unsuspecting women, crease and wrinkle everything dramatically whilst multiply cellulite by obscene amounts. Hah all you clothes shop type people I poke both my finger in your eyes too - big time -and say 'now get the finger out and doooo something about your dreadful berluddy lighting and mirrors, before we do something about you and make you go in these wretched cubicles yourselves.


Wizzard said...

To add to that...
a cooler temperature makes you more willing to try on clothes, and why put the security tag on bras where it makes it soooo difficult to do up without being some sort of contortionist?
nice one WW
wearing my skool uniform today

countrymousie said...

I now try to buy a lot of stuff online - at least you can shock yourself in front of your own mirror. I find the changing rooms so hot, and you feel so stupid and exposed popping out of these things for a bit of air.
Sunday when I was shopping with GOH I encountered one of those bloody assistants who kept swishing back the curtain to see how I was - hot, fat and stuck, thank you with non matching undies!
She of the 00 variety.

annakarenin said...

For some reason have only just fopund these blogs think I have been in the wrong place previously.
Congrats on the play great stuff.
Seen Bryan many moons ago was dragged along with hubs and his mate but really did enjoy.

todays very funny and also so right wouldn't go back there though have only just noticed the bats wings and am suddenly having to do arm excersizes when previously never had to bother.
Re mirrors I think it is one of the reason for the success of internet shopping I use my own perminantly dusty ones they are great.

The Country Craft Angel said...

Oh I really enjoyed this Westerwitch-and laughed out loud at poking gravity in the eye!!

You are entertaining. I wish you well with the play and look forward to the return of your blogs very soon.

kindest regards


I haev given up fighting gravity it was winning hands down!! I hate clothes shopping full stop !

Suffolkmum said...

I liked the image of you poking gravity in the eye too! I loathe changing rooms, sure the mirror's are all distorted. Hate the way men age gracefully, there's nothing for it but to age disgracefully.

Blossomcottage said...

And there's me thinking each time I go in a changing room there is someone sharing it with me, do you mean to say that is my reflection YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!!!


ChrisH said...

Hmn! I am taking on board all the stuff about eye poking! feeling very stresssed so its nice to have something to laugh at - and do a 'Yeah! Too bloddy right' at.'

muddyboots said...

l'm like countrymouse, tend to buy most of my clothes online. really don't do clothes shopping, though there is a retro shop just off stonegate in york.

Faith said...

Hate clothes shopping, never know what looks good. i reckon there are good mirrors and bad mirrors. I have a good one in my bedroom. Gravity? hmm my boobs will hold a pencil now, but still very nice boobs even if I say so myself!

CAMILLA said...

Loathe changing rooms, always hot and sticky. I tend to shop on-line, but then it always looks good on others, and when I get it delivered, have changed my mind and have to send them back.Best of luck with the play dear Westerwitch.

Grouse said...

Dont shop, dont do changing rooms.

So un-Grouse-like.


@themill said...

Oh so familiar!

lixtroll said...

Erm Westerwitch dear - there isn't enough on you to respond to gravity. You must have been looking in the wrong mirror!

The communal changung rooms of the 1980's was my biggest nughtmare ever, I didn't but any clothes until all shops were kitted out with individual ones again!

CAMILLA said...

Apologies Dear Westewitch, have said sorry too on your CCW Page, I feel dreadful, did not know poor Peat's mother has passed away this morning, when I had emailed you.