The Smoking diaries

This diary is for the week starting Sunday 19th August.

I was actually really pleased with myself that I had gone past Saturday night (18th August) and not smoked - Saturday night was my favourite smoking night . . . especially when X-Factor was/is on. HS and I would cook a special meal, open a bottle of wine and then smoked a couple of roll ups during the breaks in X-Factor . . . and no, in case anyone was wondering, they were NOT wacky Backy roll ups! It was our evening - our time. The evening is still our evening and still special, but minus the roll ups and yes I want to give up, but yes I enjoyed smoking.

The week gone by has been a trying week. It feels as though everywhere I turn there is negativity. Getting to the point where I am not sure if that is how it really is, or if it is me who is negative and seeing every situation in a negative light. Then again . . . the quiet peaceful life we have fought to get at Wester Lix is currently undergoing external turmoil which is very unsettling and has even got us thinking that if things don't resolve in a way that is acceptable to us then we may have to move.

I am struggling with whether or not I want to do Drama this year - the club has been through a great deal of emotional upheaval last year into this year and I am not sure if I want to go through it all again and have to watch people I really care about being hurt and getting upset.

I am also waiting to hear if I have got a last minute cancellation place on the person Centred Counselling Course at Strathclyde University. I definitely have a place next year . . . if I don't have the place then I will write the children's book I have planned out plus start on the re-write of one I have already written . . . so again not quite sure what I will be doing until 17th September . . . unsettling, but not negative.

Friday HS was exhibiting his pictures in the open evening of a the new gallery opening up in our village. Very exciting. HS and I went down the gallery just after lunch to hang some of the pictures and there, also exhibiting was the only person in the entire universe that I have ever fallen out with and refuse to speak too . . . fugger and buck . . .the bitch used to be my best friend. . . . And yes of course she was there for the opening evening and between you and me I was hoping that she would give me cause to deck her . . . I am not a violent person at all . . . but with this person I would happily make an exception. I did actually once go down to the village bent on punching her lights out . . . but I couldn't find her. Apart from that and the fact that I wanted to rip the hair from her head everytime I heard her voice the evening went well. HS had a lot of interest shown in his Lightbulb block and many compliments on his photography generally.

Ah then we drove home. Quiet uneventful drive . . . noticed there was a car behind us all the way. I didn't do more than 50 all the way . . .some six sense. I had only had onemouthful of wine all evening. All the lights on the car were working . . . you can see where this is going can't you?

We pulled into our track - which is half a mile from our house. The car that had followed us all the way from the village turned up the track after us and suddenly sprouted red and blue lights and whooped at us. HS had already clocked this particular species of car as we left the village . . . parked at the entrance to a side road next to the police car that is driven by Stoney Face . . . yes you guessed it . . . our new git on the block . . . so bearing that in mind . . .

After the night I had just had and having not had the pleasure of hitting the Bitch . . . I was ready for a fight . . . I got out the car - marched up to the police car and went . . 'WHAT' . . only louder.

Vehichle check . . madame . . .

Oh really.


Name and address . . .

Yeah like you don't know it already.


Is that your vehicle . .

. . sigh . .

And why EXACTLY are you stopping me?

We are spot checking vehicles in case there is a crime later and then we can contact you to see if you saw anything.

???????? Er I live at the end of this half mile track . .

And in case this car is involved in anything later . . . .

?????????? . . .I live at the end of this half mile track . . .what can possibly happen.

And just checking your car hasn't been stolen . . .

Sigh - you already know who I am . . .



Step up HS - asking for their details . . .

the two policmen suddenly had to be elsewhere.

BERLUDY HELL . . . what you are not even going to breathalyse me - you mean I don't get the pleasure of you trying to book me and then finding out you are wrong . . . berludy berludy hell. . . .fugger and buck – go on check my tyres go on . . . .sud it . . .

So we drove home very carefully I mean it IS half a mile down a country earth track and from what the police were saying ANYTHING could happen . . .

Got home walked in opened a bottle of red wine and smoked three fags straight off . . . . .





I didn't smoke all day yesterday and haven't smoked today . . . I've am still a non-smoker, but just one that is struggling a lot at the moment.


VERY IMPORTANT PS

Forgot to say that we did make a formal complaint against Stoney Face. We officially heard back in a letter that he had of course behaved in the correct manner. However from 'other' sources we have heard a very different story . . . .

Smoking Diaries

This will be brief . . . I haven't smoked at all . . .not one . . .not even last night . . . .

The Smoking Diaries

I have been deciding for a while now that I want to give up smoking - but know that I can't just stop - doesn't work for me like that. For me the method is this.

1) Decide I am going to give up.
2) Pick a date
3) Binge smoke up to that date
4) Stop

I smoked from the age of 15 up to 31. I stoped in 1986 because HS and I wanted to start a family. I used the stopping method above and it worked for me right up until about three years ago. Then life's stresses closed in and I turned to smoking again. I have stopped once since then for several months - stress got the better of me . . I started again . . . and now I am stopping. . . . again . . . sigh . . .

I chose my stopping date as Monday August 6th - Wildchild's 20th Birthday. I went to my Doctor and got a three week supply of meduim strength patches. I also bought enough rolling tobacco and papers to allow me to binge smoke right up to the 6th August 2012 . . . well you wouldn't have wanted me to run out now would you?

Monday 6th August. This was not a difficult day because I was away from home. Then again Wildchild and the parking ticket was a challenge. . . .

Tuesday 7th August. The patches were clearly working and again this was not a difficult day. Smug!

Wednesday 8th August. First Hurdle. Went out for lunch with a friend who smoked - but as she smokes ready rolled I was not too bothered. However I got home at about 5.00pm to discover no HS . . . I was on my own and I wanted a fag. I put up a help post on the site and was compltely bowled over by the support I received . . . the evening also turned into a chat and help session with Bodran asking for help too and also getting a huge response and then lots of chat over several posts.

Thursday 9th August. Having got over last night's hurdle this was another easy day. Smuggerty smug!

Friday 10th August. Uh oh - HS away on a photo shoot in Inverness from 2.00pm onwards and not coming back untill 11.00 pm ish. I had hoped to go with him, but the aching from the Sjogrens flare up was too bad and I would not have been able to walk around. Feeling a bit guilty about hogging the common room I put up a Fag Watch post . . . berludy hell - I got loads of support . . . Later I chatted to Wizzard on MSN and then read Harry Potter . . . I got through.

Saturday 11th August. Busy day. Saturday evening was always going to be difficult. HS and I used to sit with a bowl of 'special' crips - Walkers sensations . . .and have a glass or three of wine and a few roll ups and chat. One of me regualr mood busting moments.

CONFESSION . . . I had a roll up last night . . . just one . . . it was kind of ok, but no more. I had to go and brush my teeth afterwards because of the taste in my mouth and then have a shower because the smell of fags was following me around. My chest also felt instantly tight.

I am not sorry at all that I had one . . . so no beating myself up there. I may even have one next Saturday . . . if this is what I need to do to eventually give up completely then this is what I will do. My biggest concern was that I was letting everyone who had supported down. I do hope that none of you feel that I have. I don't want to lose your support . . . I WILL kick the habit . . . but may need to lapse now and again withouth judgement.

So thank you to everyone . . . it will be a whole week tomorrow and right now I have no craving at all . . . sticks 93 patches on . .

Westerwitch the Criminal . . . . does it AGAIN . . . .

Monday 6th August and Wiidchild's 20th Birthday . . . no longer a teenager . . . Now a responsible adult . . . .

And the day I chose to give up smoking. . . . .Had plenty of practice – now for the real thing.

We arrived at Wildchild's Flat around lunchtime. Next to her block is a walled in car park – actually really interesting old park surrounded by high old walls and buildings.

First thing we noticed was that the chain blocking the entrance to the car park was gone and instead there were notices everywhere . . . parking for permit holders ONLY . . . £85 fine for non permit holders. Mmmmm are you feeling edgy yet – are the warning bells starting . . . £85 berludy hell.

AH hah oh no not this time –THIS TIME Westerwitch IS going to be all legal AND proper like. Oh yes you don't get me twice . . . so complete with properly displayed permit HS and I parked the car and went up to see Wildchild. On the way up I clocked the traffic wardens car! He was illegally displaying a learner thingy – no learner in the car . . .not important.

Wildchild opened her presents– we bought her a camera – see picture above. Then off to lunch a short drive away – um – Kentucky Fried Chicken – Wildchild's choice. Next we saw Shrek 3 – in the cinema - not in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We enjoyed the film but not as good, we felt, as the first two. But we ate popcorn and stuffed chocolate and had a brilliant time.

Then back to flat and the car park and being all legal . . . country girl in the city and not breaking any laws – proud Westerwitch . . . if a little tetchy . . . no fags you see, but coping well!

We pottered around the flat – played with Wildchild's Rats – what amazing pets they are. We chatted, drank tea . . . normal stuff.

Wildchild went to put the rubbish out . . . came back and said . . ' Mum you're not going to like this, but you have got a parking ticket!'

“Oh hahahahaha, yeah right you have tried that one before . . .hahaha – you don't get me twice . . hahahaha. Yeah not falling for that!'

No Mum. Really you have!'

Not a trace of a smile on Wildchild's face.

'Feryucky Hell and Berger and . . . . . bar stewards and . . . . what the . . . and '. . .rushed down the stairs . . . . out to the car and berludy hell there is was a berludy ludy parking ticket . . . . on MY car . . . .

Fine for not displaying permit ,or whatever properly . . . . what WHAT – it was there THERE . . . aaarrrrrggggggg!!!!! Apparently a couple of weeks back the parking bar steward warden person had 'done' a friend of Wildchild's.

HAH HAH . . .WELL NOT ME . . . NOT THIS TIME . . . this time I was well and truly legal . . . wasn't I? Hah bitten off more than they can chew . . .no fags and HAH HAH – is that the berludy warden's car in the corner . . is it, IS IT . . . . ?

I rushed round the car park checking our permit against the others on various cars . . . yup all legal. Wildchild and HS kept saying just leave it – we can fight it later . . . and started to walk towards the flat.

HAH NOT ME. OH NO . . . Westerwitch has tobacco deprivation and has found someone to fight . . . . . breaks free from HS and Wildchild and advances with murderous purpose and quiet misleading smile on face towards the wardens' car . . . . Bar steward . . . . really gonna regret this . . .

To my complete surprise Wildchild and HS actually physically dragged me back . . . 'What! No . . WANNA FIGHT . . . . Noooooo . . leggo!'

'MUM look at the ticket . . . '

'Yup, looking at the ticket – my car – blah blah blah . . . hang on the date is a month earlier . . . and not for this car park . . . and . . . .anddddd . . . .berludy hell!'

HS and Wildchild in absolute fits – hurrying me into the flat . . . didn't want this bar steward warden to see fake parking ticket, cos it might get Wildchild's traffic warden friend into trouble . . . yes the bar steward that supplied her with the ticket A MONTH AGO!

Snap shots . . . walking into the room and Wildchild and HS going quiet. Pointed conversations about the warden. Lots of looking out of the window and comments on the warden . . . .and more . . . . I'D BEEN WELL AND TRULY SET UP AND HAD.

I had trained Wildchild too well. . . . although she did admit she'd had to keep turning away to hide her smiles . . . but the face she presented me was very well composed . . . so the gauntlet is down . . . . thinking cap on . . .

Lynne and Alfie

Picture of my JRT - Lynne and Alfie adore him and he adores them.

Lynne and Alfie

Last week I received a call from my special friend Lynne . . .sadly it was to tell me that Alfie, Lynne's husband, is in hospital and is dying of cancer. He has weeks at best to live and at worst possibly only days. I would like to add that Alfie does not know that he only has a short time left - only that he is dying - so if anyone reading this discovers that they know him and Lynne - please please don't say anything.

But I don't think they would thank me for dwelling on this awful news so instead I would like to tell you about Lynne and Alfie and the fun we had together.

To set the scene – I have sent them a new improved fart machine with 15 farts on it - brilliant have got one myself now . . . . was going to send a card and flowers . . . but knowing Lynne and Alfie a fart machine is much more appropriate. I gather Alfie (now home from hospital) is creating havoc with it.

HS and I met Lynne and Alfie in the Village years ago – sadly they have now moved along way South and we rarely see them. We quickly became friends. In the old days HS was away all week working in London and I was left coping with three cottages to let and clean and over a period of time re-decorate. Enter Lynne and Alfie with mops, buckets, paint pads and great big grins. I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done without their energetic and practical help and enormous sense of fun. Actually thinking back it was amazing really that we ever got any work done at all – we seemed to spend most of our time doubled up with laugher. Alfie has a huge repertoire of jokes and a day decorating with him and Lynne always left me aching with laughing too much.

Alfie is a very good mimic and the number of times I have been scuttling around looking for a lost cat is untrue. He got me every berludy time and every time I really should have known better.

On one occasion (whilst Alfie was downstairs painting the dining room), son, daughter and Lynne and I tied several poles together and then leaning out of the upstairs bedroom window we kept tapping on the dining room window. We had poor Alfie rushing outside every couple of minutes to see who, or what it was. . . Eventually he caught us which then involved much running around with spray bottles of water and water pistols trying to soak each other. Alfie then ran into the downstairs toilet and locked himself in. AH HAH . . The kids and I went and got an old wardrobe door with a full length mirror in it and propped it up a few feet back from the toilet door – the idea being that Alfie would get a fright when he opened the door . . . . We than made lots of 'we are walking away' noises. Two minutes went by, no Alfie, 5 minutes, 7 and then BOOOOO. He had somehow climbed out of the really tiny toilet window and crept round and jumped out at us. We were all crying with laughter until we discovered that Alfie couldn't actually climb back through the toilet window and now neither could we get into the toilet , which was where all the paint was kept. . . . so we went and had a cup of tea . . . . Meanwhile son – not one to be beaten and not a tea drinker either had somehow managed to wriggle back in through the toilet window and unlocked the door – happily apart from a few scrapes he didn't hurt himself. Then again he didn't hurt himself when he jumped out of his bedroom window to see what it was like. Aaaaarrrrgggggg it is on the first floor!!!!!!!!! WHY????? Oh blood runs cold now even thinking about it. Still he found out what it was like and amazingly didn't hurt himself at all . . . and after the lecture he got hasn't done anything that stupid since . . . that I know of. Any way I digress . . .

One morning Lynne brought me my first ever egg from my chickens – special moment . . . I was amazed at how soft and fuzzy feeling the egg was – Lynne explained that was how it was with the first egg that a chicken ever lays. Then gently taking the egg from me . . . . she suddenly threw it at me yelling quick catch – I missed . . it was a rubber egg . . . . which I still have . . . .

Another time HS and I had to go and deliver something to Lynne and Alfie 's house – they were out, so we decided to leave it in their shed . . . . . golden opportunity . . . .we turned every item in their shed up side down . . . . . they still haven't forgiven us . . . . yeah right!

Another occasion saw us all painting the lounge. Lynne and Alfie schooshing away with their paint pads and me with my roller . . . I had gone to to pour more paint into the roller tray and was leaning forward when my mobile phone fell out of my scruffy very non-Boden shirt pocket and plopped neatly into the middle of the paint tray and with much gloopy satisfaction . . . . sank. I plunged my hand right into the paint tray and grabbed my paint sodden phone . . . . Lynne says she remembers me standing there covered from head to toe in paint splatters holding up this object with paint sliding off it – shaking with laughter and pleading – 'OMG please don't ring, please don't ring,. . . . . because we all knew that, as a compulsive mobile phone user, I would have had to have answered it if it had indeed rung. . . . . .

Lynne says it is this image that she brings to mind when it all gets to much and it is this image that is helping her through . . . . .Lynne I don't know what to say . . .