Wednesday, 26 March 2008

A Golden Opportunity Part Four

I was upset and angry when I left the hospital after being told I had a form of M.E. I was confused and my mind was all over the place . . . I honestly didn't know what to think. Part of me thought what if this condescending dismissive man has got it wrong . . . My symptoms have been going on since the late seventies, but we didn't dicuss my symptoms, or my history. Or maybe this is a different disorder . . . what if something has been missed, what if I have something that is curable, but has now worsened and could kill me if not treated, what if I have something that is very simply treatable, but has been missed . . . And I still often get moments like this. Then again would I feel the same whatever I had been diagnosed with. I suspect the problem is that there is no pill popping treatment for M.E the whole diagnosis and treatment is a bit vague . . . then again the chances are I wouldn't have taken any pills they offered me anyway . . .unless it was in the form of a replacement pill type hormone thingy . . . the likes of which I already take in the form of Thyroxine. Berlimey talk about all over the place. I also accept that I have to put eyedrops in my eyes and take take acid inhibitors to prevent scarring in my hernai. I hate taking the anti-migraine pills as I don't know long term what they will do to me and have even wondered it the aching is a way of my migraines coming out elsewhere . . . Who knows and that is the thing, medical science is amazing, but there is more to learn than there is actually known.

Then I started to look at what this meant to me and my life. There is a psychological aspect to M.E ie it seems to affect fit and active high achievers . . . but it is a physical disorder and not all in the mind as was thought years ago . . . except there are no tests done in this country to confirm the disease. So could it be that my mind and body are not in harmony . . . that there is a discord that has probably been present for years and now the body having coped for so long is no not able to cope any more. This is true of many diseases, if not all diseases, but that is another debate. And certainly this way of thinking is exactly what I studied in Reflexology and Stress Management. So where does that leave me. Well it leaves me some pretty horrible physical symptoms with no obvious physical cause and mood swings and disabling tiredness and a shrinking life. But it does give me the opportunity for self development and to really look and I mean really look at me as a person. And a chance to look at what is not good in my head that could in turn be throwing my body out of sync.

I have a negative side to me, we all have our negative side. There is and has been a lot of anger in me and I have watched that come out in various ways. I have a judgemental side and a depressive side, I worry to much and push myself to hard, never feel good enough . . .and so on. So my conclusion is that it is now time to come to terms with my 'negative' thinking and to bring it into a more positive focus. It is so much easier to be negative and angry with the world and the people in it than it is to be calm and peaceful and happy. There are so many external influences telling us how to behave and pointing out how we don't measure up . . . berlimey it is amazing any of us ever get through getting up and getting outside the front door every morning. I know I beat myself up each morning because I am not an early riser . . . I judge myself, by how I think others will judge me . . . but really it is me doing the judging. It is me deciding that I am lazy and no good . . . and waking up in a panic. There is of course the question of where all this conditioning came from . . . I could blame my childhood, other people, everyone, but me . . . but it is my thinking, I am responsible for it and I am responsible for changing it.

My feeling is that when I am able to achieve a calmer more peaceful state of mind then I may also achieve a calmer, more peaceful body and perhaps I will start to feel better and if I don't at least I will be able to cope better. I have noticed that walking every day does help me cope with my symptoms, because I feel so much better mentally after a walk. I feel more positive . . .

And with all the above I could be totally barking up the wrong tree, but even if I am there are still parts of my thinking that I know I am ready to change. I recently found myself forgiving my Father and experiencing the liberation that forgiveness brought. I even found myself no longer being angry at the woman who tried very hard to pinch HS off me a few years ago. It is unlikely I would ever trust her again and unlikely we will be friends, but I no longer feel overwhelming anger when I think of her . . .(firmly puts down chainsaw) . . . . and breathe and relax . . . .rrrRRRRrrrRRR . . .sigh . . . well I will work on that one . . .LOL.

Eeeeeek no I am not about to turn into a paragon of virtue even I couldn't stomach me if I did that and let's face it I would no longer be me and living a lie for a completely different set of reasons . . . but I do honestly think I have been given a Golden Opportunity to look at and challenge long entrenched ways of negative thinking in myself and by slowly altering these to gradually improve and enjoy my life in a way I never have before. But no way am I ever giving up my chainsaw . . . .or chocolate . . .or wine . . . .


toady said...

Just caught up with this - must be so frustrating. When I has my first big bout of depression I had convinced myself that I had a brain tumour - not that I'm suggesting that your symptons aren't real. Wish you all the luck in the world.

lampworkbeader said...

In my experience walking in the fesh air in wide open spaces is one of the most healing things you can do. Meditation and positive visualisation helped me too.
I've never owned a chainsaw...Perhaps...There have been times when one would come in very handy.

Zoƫ said...

Forgiveness is so freeing, am so pleased you managed to find your way to it.

As for ME, as I said before; don't let the barstewards get you down xx

LittleBrownDog said...

Interesting what you say about the mind and body being in synch. And I think you're right that forgiveness is liberating, though it doesn't mean you have to let people walk all over you - I think it's about you taking control of your feelings and letting them go, rather than your feelings controlling you.

Absolutely right about the choccy and wine though.

LBD xx

Elizabethd said...

You sound as though it's been a hard hard time, as one might imagine.
Best wishes for a calmer time ahead now.

Cait O'Connor said...

I'm sure blogging about all this will be of immense help to you.
Walking every day as well
and chocolate and wine of course, don't give up on that.
The best revenge is to live well.

Fennie said...

There is so much here that I'm sure many of us share - especially the older ones - the third phase of life - all the new horizons to be seen from the perspective of experience, the reconciliation of hopes and fears and horrors from the past with the daily cycle of work and living. Where are we going, what do we want? Should we drive ourselves or take things easy? Rest or take on more? How will we be judged? How do we judge ourselves? I know, like you, I beat myself up every morning, not for not getting up early, but for pfaffing about when I do get up and so not getting soon enough to my desk.

I have found meditation and Buddhist philosophy useful. And as I have said before I have known people who have achieved remarkable 'cures' that conventional medicine has been unable to deliver, by submitting to treatment by professional registered herbalists, specialising in holistic treatments.

Clearly, for us all, there is often a connection between the psychological and the physical. The Inuit (among others) believed that disease was caused by 'catching' evil spirits. There is a lovely book - People of the Deer - in which a Canadian researcher who lived for a time among the Arctic Inuit and describes their way of life in its pages, recounts an incident of a Shaman casting out an evil spirit, with apparently almost miraculous consequences for the patient. I think we need to keep an open-mind about such things. There are, after all, 'more things in heaven and earth that are dreamt of in our philosophy.'

Anyway, enough blather! Sincerely, big hug and best wishes. Rev the chainsaw at those aches! It's still a wonderful world and we are all here to share it with you.

Faith said...

Just catching up with this. You are a remarkable person and made a big impression on me before I met you and again after. Take care of yourself, big hugs xx

DJ Kirkby said...

This was a very emotive post and it seems you have been through so much! still made me laugh, how do you manage to pour out all that angst and still have your hilarious moments?