Diaries are for smoking . . .

SMOKING DIARIES for the past two weeks.

Ptooooooey . . . before we even start Milla and Fennie – don't you dare point those loaded comments at me . . . .

So have I been bad – of course I berludy well have . . .have I been good – yes that too.

The wrong end of the stick
it is there for the grabbing
And the bush to be beaten
And excuses for a stabbing

I can make up dozens of excuses for smoking. The slightest thing can cause me stress, if I choose, and off I go puffing again, with only a trace of guilt.

See fools rushing in
where not an Angel steps
is there looking in the leaping
But spontaneity in there yet

If I tell myself I can't smoke then I rebel against myself and indeed I rebel against anyone that tries to reinforce that . . .whether they are right, or wrong . .then again who is to judge.

Van Goghs lends an ear for music
Words in pictures a thousand times
Do you know who to follow now
Or is this for the blind

If I tell myself I can smoke and then the attraction goes up in smoke . . .but not completely. . . .sigh . . .

If your name be Thomas
Would you doubt me yet
Are my spots for counting
A leopard in the bet

So where does that leave me . . here of course.

Do I want to give up smoking . . yes . . eventually. So what am I doing about it. I am doing it my way. I have gone from 35 a week to a mere 5 . . now I think that is a massive improvement and the more I don't smoke the better I feel and the more aware I am of the instant effects when I do smoke and the less I want to smoke . . but I am not quite, not QUITE ready to stop yet . . .

There are many squares to see
But one I am not at
The smoke from this chimney
Still has lives of a cat

There was someone on this site . . .so sorry i can't remember who – who said that to give up they cut down to just Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and then eventually stopped. I can see that working for me.

So Granny look to your eggs
And to horses bearing gifts
Remove the cock that crows
And bulls here to Poo . . .(no I know it doesn't rhyme but I couldn't put what did.)

So I am not giving up on giving up . . I am doing it my way. Life is pretty good at the moment so the goal now is to only smoke on Saturday night before dinner – whilst watching X-Factor and enjoying a bottle of wine.


Stable door and bolted
but the horse never left
Brass tacks are everywhere
on the right side of bed.

So progress is is then . . .and I am doing it my way.

ww

Meeting Blossom Cottage

Yesterday Happy Snaper and I went to Edinburgh via Glasgow (HS had a quick Photo Shoot in Glasgow the morning . . .sigh . . ) and why did we go to Edinburgh . . . TO MEET BLOSSOMCOTTAGE that is why.

I couldn't believe how nervous I was. . . . yup that gibbering, twitching person in the car was me. It seemed to take forever to get from Glasgow to Edinburgh - not helped by HS and I having no idea where we were going once we reached Edinburgh – although we had got our Google map with us . . . Oh and the butterflies in my stomach were amazing . . Panic . . .lost . . .not going to get there in time . . It was fast approaching two O'clock . . . . . . berludy hell . . and then out of no-where there was a sign pointing to the hotel . . . berlimey . . . .and a multi story car park as well – double berlimey . . . and . . wow that was easy.

We parked the car in the multi-storey car park – bit cramped, but ok – parking is premium in Edinburgh and headed into the hotel to find our Blossom.

And then there she was, smiling from ear to ear rising up from the table in the hotel bar to meet us. Gibber and gibber gibber and giggle and . . . .twitch and hug and . . .sigh . . .

First impressions - wow what an attractive lady - cracking figure . . . wonderful smile . . . beautiful hair . . .sorry Blossom - I know this may embarrass you - but you really are gorgeous . . .I don't think any photo I have seen of you to date does you proper justice . . . I may never talk to you again . .quick sulk . . Oh but no uniform . . .I had mine on . . .smug . . . but Blossom did have a purple hair band in. HS also forgot his uniform . . SIGH . . .

So yes we all had a big hug and then we sat down and talked and talked and talked and then talked and talked some more and then more and more and more . . . . and went to the loo and then talked even more . . .after we came back from the loo that is – we went to the loo on our own too . . . all grown up now.

We had lunch. Then we had afternoon tea - twice and the time just romped by lickety split, or is that spit . .

Now is it me or have you ever noticed how eating gets in the way when there is so much to talk about and how food takes on a life of its own when you are meeting someone for the first time. My club sandwich wandered all over my plate, developed crunchy noisy bits and messy mayonnaisey bits and bits that seem to grow on the fork and flop everywhere and were to big to go into my mouth Other bits sort of zipped off the fork . . . good grief whilst yet more bits refused to go on the fork at all. . My sandwich seemed er . . .very stuck together at the start . . . . it took a while to work out it was held together with a skewer . . .but releasing the skewer meant the sandwich grew alarmingly in size and eshewed any pretence at staying on my plate . . . now should I eat with a knife and fork, or pick up each HUGE unruly quarter . . . bits dropping everywhere . . . crumbs, splodges of mayonnaise . . . good grief . . . should lunch really be this difficult . . . superstitious glances at Blossom and HS showed that they were coping fine and that YES it really was just me. Next time I am having chips . . just chips.

So what can I tell you about Blossom. Apart from the fact that she is a very striking lady she has a wonderful calm aura about her . . and she eats very tidily. Ah yes but don't be fooled by her air of calm for there is a seriously wicked twinkle in her eye and many a story to tell. We spent a lot of the time laughing.

I didn't feel awkward with Blossom. Nor did I feel the need to impress her – although of course I did want her to like me. I felt too that she was a calm confident person and was not out to impress me either – she didn't need to. The talk was an easy three way flow.

Blossom is very articulate and her stories riveting and hilarious. We talked about Marilyn – which many of you will remember from her blogs . . .We talked about out lives, photography, the site, you lot (in the best possible way of course) . . . more about our lives . . briefly where the site was going – which we feel is a 'wait and see thing' and then more about our lives. . . . I can't even begin to remember all the things we talked about actually . . . Right now I think I am still digesting my club sandwich . . . which I forgot to do yesterday because I was so busy talking and listening.

And then it was time to go – four hours had gone by and sadly we all had to be 'somewhere else' . . We all hugged and said goodbye . . .sniff . . sniff . . no . . no something in my eye . . .


Both HS and I had a brilliant day, a seriously brilliant day.

Blossom meeting you was very special. It always worried me that if we all started meeting each other from the Purplecoo site somehow we wouldn't live up to each others expectations . . . well to date that has clearly NOT been the case and I can add my own positive experience to the Purplecoo 'meets'.

So If any of you get the chance to meet Blossom – then go for it . . . she really is a lovely lovely person and if you are nervous like I was she will put you at your ease.

So thank you for a special day Blossom and I hope that we can meet up again soon.

My Homework from Blossom

Blossom's Homework

Paper carrier bags – OOOOooo love the feel of them and the crinkly, crackly sound they make and the smell of brown paper . . keep all my paper carriers and sneak of and rustle them now and again.

I don't ride, or haven't since I was in my late twenties . .but the sound of creaking saddle leather and the jingle of harness is a wonderful congruent - all is well - sound and the smell of horses is the same ,but in smell language.

I collect sea glass. If I am not crinkling carrier bags then I am moving my sea glass around in their glass bowl just to hear the sound as they touch together and move over each other and the smooth, dusty opaqueness beneath my fingers.

Paper . . . different types of writing paper, printing paper – both for writing and for photographic use. HS has an amazing paper that is linen and floppy . . . sigh . . wonderful just to touch it. All the different types of paper in the shops – hand made paper . . . sigh . . paper and boards in art shops.

The smells of some books when you open them and also the smell of some glossy illustrations. I have a very old book that I won for best handwriting when I was at junior school the smell and feel of that is so special.

I have many pens and the feel of my pens on the different paper is amazing.

Another and deeper love is propelling pencils and Ihave many different shapes and different sized leads. I also have a pad of yellow lined paper – to sit and write on that with my special pencil of the moment is sheer bliss. Faber-Castell are my current favourite – I have a very cheap self propelling pencil which I adore and also a thick leaded art pencil.

Walking in the snow. There are many different types of snow. I love crunching through all of them – although don't like wet snow so much and hate it when I leave slushy imprints as I walk I love the smell of the air when snow is on its way.

Years ago I have a Cockatoo the smell and feel of her feathers was like talc. I also had a Blue and Gold Mackaw. The smell and feel of his feather was also special but so very different from the Cockatoo. Hers was lucious and sweet, his were much more spicy.

Keyboards. Every keyboard is different. I am lucky that my laptop keyboard has 'the' touch. I can't resist nipping round all the different keyboards in PC world . . on a good day when I am allowed out :-)

Before I start writing with pens, pencils, or keyboards I have to cut or trim my finger nails – I feel so creative if they are short and so out of sorts if they are not.

Croissants and coffee on a Sunday morning – especially if I have a 'good' marmalade in. Currently have a honey and orange marmalade . . . wasn't sure at first . . . but it is growing on me . . . so I am off to have shower . . .


The picture is of my collection of sea glass, plus a few shells and stones I like.

Smoking Diaries

This diary is for the week starting Sunday 25th August.

Perhaps if I don't put up a picture and write very very small and sit really really still . . . no -one will notice me . . yep that will work. . . . sigh . .

Mmmmm last Sunday was ok and I was actually out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then again during the day Thursday and then out Thursday night. I have never smoked when I am out so the temptation has always been minimal.

As all of you on Purplecoo will know Wednesday evening was a tough evening on the site and tested us to the limit. Despite an emotional worrying evening I didn't smoke . . .um . . .cos there was no tobacco in the house.

I had another test on Thursday night . . . I went to the casting meeting of our next Panto and came out feeling really depressed. Health wise I have not been too good since last June with aching all over, dry eyes, dry nose and sometimes dry mouth - possibly Sjogren's, but not confirmed and the blood test are not coming back conclusive. I struggled through last year and did the Panto and the tour. I get bouts of remission with my aching, but they don't last long and I seem to be getting them less and less now. I felt depressed as I left the panto because I was aching all over and my energy was really low . . . .Plus we'd had our trials and tribulations within the drama club (then again what drama club doesn't) which have made their mark and a number of adults have left the club – although the juniors seem to have increased in number. Then add to all this the fact that normally we do have a few months rest from productions, but this year our last show was at the start of August . . and I personally felt I was just too tired and jaded to do the Panto. So as I drove home I was thinking to myself . . . I don't actually know if I can do this, want to do this. I love drama and I mean REALLY love drama. We live in a rather remote place and it has always been good to go out two evenings a week and meet friends and do something I feel so in tune with but . . . . . .So yes I came home and I smoked – several rolls ups. . . yes I know . . .really bad . . really weak . . really helped!

Friday I spent the day wondering what on earth to do. Then came a wonderful opportunity to re-write my children's novel . . .long story and worthy of a blog of its own – I will tell you more when I am a bit further down the road. . WOW . . . Talked it over with HS And yes . . .sigh, big decision to be made . . smoked a few more fags . . .and then decided I was NOT going to do the Panto this year – gut wrenching decision – but the right one and I am going to put all my efforts into working on my book. The only hiccup might be if I get the last minute place at Strathclyde Uni to do the Diploma in Person Centred Counselling – however term starts on the 17th September so that is looking more and more unlikely.

Then it was with tears in my eyes that I watched us all pull together on Saturday evening and show that we could get through the 'tough' times and do what we do best which is support each other. I was soooo proud of all of us.

Big big changes a foot then . . .I will still be working letting Cesspit Cottages and helping HS run his photography business, but I have finally allowed myself to take another peak at my creativity, something which I haven't done properly for years. It is fair to say that meeting you lot on CL and then continuing our journey on Purplecoo has gone along way to re-awakening my creative spirit and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for that.

Um . .anyway . . . I did then allow myself to smoke on Saturday and Sunday evening only a few – but smoking none the less.. Very very bad. However Monday is another week.

It is now Wednesday (5th September ) my nicotine patch is firmly back on and I haven't had a roll up since Sunday night.

So frankly rather a tumultuous and emotional week last week and no matter how many excuses I make I don't feel comfortable about my lapse. This time I AM beating myself up about it, because I feel it was a major lapse. However some big decision have been made and good ones and I think this will go a long way to helping me beat the nicotine . . . I mean if I ever 'make it' as a writer I don't want the picture on my book cover to look like Blossom's Fag Hag now do I?

Oh and one huge positive which kind of got swallowed up in last weeks events was the fact that HS and I bought the RAV 4 which I put up on Purplecoo yesterday. It is a light, zippy, wonderful car which I am, despite all the aching able to drive comfortably – so I now also have my independence back . . . .and as it is 4WD . . we will be able to get down our track when we get snowed in . . . um not sure the latter is a good thing – but at least it gives us the choice . . .

And here is my wonderful car – for those of you that didn't see it and an opportunity to take your mind off the fact that I gave in and smoked . . .